Here's why.

Obviously this isn't the only problem in our marriage but it's very indicative of Steve's behaviour.

We both suffer from hearing problems, Steve because of many years working on building sites without the required ear defenders. My hearing is poor as I suffered many years of ear infections as a child and I also had a perforated ear drum and had surgery to repair this. As I've aged my hearing has deteriorated further. I've always used lip reading to back up my hearing but unfortunately my eyesight has now deteriorated so I can no longer do this. I pay for private hearing aids as the NHS ones I was provided with were not adequate for my needs.

To ensure Steve can hear me when I speak to him I speak clearly, if he's not looking at me I touch his shoulder to attract his attention. I did ask Steve to ensure I'm looking at him if he wants to talk to me and suggested he tap me on the shoulder. Instead he started to jab my shoulder hard to attract my attention. 

Once Steve realised I was lip reading he started to cover his mouth when he spoke to me. I can no longer see well enough to lip read so Steve no longer covers his mouth, he just speaks really quietly so I have to ask him to repeat himself. This gives him the opportunity to give a long suffering sigh and then repeat himself just as quietly. When he is in the summer house or if we have visitors Steve speaks normally and I can hear what he is saying. So this is obviously just done to make my life difficult.

Moving on.

I have reached the end of my tether and have decided to move out. Being married to a control freak is soul destroying and damned hard work.

Steve is obviously not happy with my decision but as he's always refused to accept that some of his behaviour is unacceptable, that's hardly surprising.

I've told my children and I'm currently looking for somewhere to live, I have various options  which I'm not sharing with Steve. I'm concerned that he would arrive in my doorstep pleading poverty and homelessness.

I sympathise with him to a certain extent but I need a life of my own. One where I can come and go as I please and where I'm not answerable to someone else.

Oh my poor back.

I'm back from helping Cass and I'm completely knackered. I folded a mountain of clean washing so it could be put away and I kept the dishwasher and washing machine going non-stop I also pigged out one of the bedrooms. The older children tidy their own rooms but the littlies are four and six and they are still settling in. 

It was lovely to see how they have improved since they've been with Cass. Both are now toilet trained, fairly reliably, both are now eating proper food and sit at the table to do so.

Chip, chip, chip.

Steve finds it necessary to chip away at anything that gives me pleasure.

He complained so often and so vociferously about my cooking that  I eventually stopped cooking. Since he's been visiting the Dr's regularly, he's been told to improve his diet. So he expects me to start cooking again. But he doesn't like what I cook, it doesn't taste right.

He also destroyed my love of Christmas with his continual complaints. He also doesn't like me making crafts and many other things.

Y'day when he was went to the summer house he made it very obvious that he didn't want me to go. He prefers it if I only go on Wednesday for the quiz, and then only if I win.

This morning two neighbours spoke to me about his behaviour, it seems he held forth at great length about politics. As his views are now extremely right wing he made everyone uncomfortable. My neighbours seem to expect me to do something about his behaviour. 

I have tried ever since he had his stroke to modify his more extreme behaviour, this is no doubt why he prefers me not to go to the summer house.

Changing moods

Steve was in a very good mood, he's been asked to paint some of the outside doors. No payment but it keeps him busy. This means he's far too busy to finish fitting the bathroom and living room floors in the flat. He refused to buy the required underlay and the floor is uneven so there are gaps between the tiles!

Unfortunately I've ruined his mood as my daughter has asked me to visit for a few days. She claims she needs help, I think she's trying to help me find out a way out. She is very capable and I doubt if she needs help but I'll go and stay with her for a few days. 

I've been studying the footpaths near where she lives and there are some nice walks including one along a disused railway line. Beano and I both enjoy walking and I usually improves my mood. My neighbours have commented that whilst I often set off with a face like thunder, I'm usually smiling when I return.

Siebrie

 Siebrie, no  my neighbour didn't get the dates confused 

she muddled me up with a neighbour with the same name 

who died a couple of years ago.

Take a deep breath.

Steve got up this morning in full-on arsehole mode, slamming around in the kitchen, shouting at Beano. Gawd knows what upset him, probably got out of bed the wrong side!

I was planning on going to my daughter's for a few days but cancelled I need to have a blazing row with Steve and get him to behave like a normal person for a few hours and not like a stroppy toddler! 

I went to the summer house for a short time today, Steve followed me over. Within a few minutes Beano wanted to come home, I brought him home and almost immediately Steve returned home, he seems convinced that I'm up to no good. What exactly he thinks I'm doing, I've no idea. I assume he's worried because I'm not allowed to do anything, that I must be doing something.

We've had a strange time with the neighbours today, this morning one of them came round with a birthday card for me. I was out walking Beano and she spoke to Steve. He assured her that my b'day was in November but she argued with him for quite a while. Neither of them can ever admit they are wrong so they were there for quite some time. My b'day is in November but I doubt if my neighbour would have believed me.

Betty returned home today, she's been in hospital with a suspected stroke. I sent her a text to contact me if she needs anything, Otherwise I won't disturb her.

At 10 o'clock this evening another neighbour knocked on the door, she wanted to tell us that she'd left some stuff on Harry's door mat. I've no idea why she thought we needed to know, our front doors are opposite each other but things are often left by our front door. This neighbour had also knocked on Betty's door and disturbed her to check if she was home.

We've had a bit of rain, not much, just a smattering but it has meant that Steve has done no gardening at all today. He's stayed in and complained about the weather all day. Despite staying in he has done nothing to the floors, the bathroom floor is moving about and creaking. The living room floor has white gaps between the grey flooring where it's all moved around. Steve refused to buy and fit the required underlay as he decided it wasn't needed. I'm wondering how bad it's going to get and if it will need replacing soon.

All I can do is grit my teeth and keep buggering on.