Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Don't leave it too late

We are often reminded to make a will & not to leave it until it is too late, but it's not only thing to think about.
My ex MIL is still having problems, she isn't settling in the home, refuses to leave her room & is constantly either in tears or throwing a temper tantrum.
Her house had precipitous steps at the back & front door that she found difficult to manage even when she was in her 60's. 
She refused to have rails or a ramp fitted as 'they are for old people'.
She refused to consider a mobility scooter for the same reason.
She also refused, when she was in her eighties,  to consider moving to somewhere more convenient, even if it was just to somewhere with a downstairs toilet, as 'she didn't want to live with old people'.
As her dementia worsened she would constantly phone her sons complaining that no one would visit her, one son claimed to be too busy, the other did what he could but has a disabled wife. Most of her grandsons were reluctant to visit as she frequently smeared faeces on the stairs as she misjudged the time it would take her to get upstairs to the bathroom. 
One grandson & both her granddaughters did visit most weeks despite both having young children and it being an hour & a half drive each way.
If she has thought things through properly she could have moved to a location of her choice, instead of which the decision has been taken out of her hands & she is distraught. 

5 comments:

TrishWish said...

I really do feel for you as our family had the same troubles about 4 years ago.Stay strong. I must say on reflection I felt that we respected mother's wishes far too long and should have moved her from her home but like you she wanted to stay in the house (moved in 1952). The care homes usually know how to handle the transition period. We had a brief hiccup at first but we got there eventually!

Hard up Hester said...

Hi Trish, 6 weeks & counting & she's still throwing a strop, I feel for the staff, I really do.

Anonymous said...

I took care of my mom and dad for the past nine years, while taking care of my own family as well. I live about a mile from them. They had significant health issues with multiple surgeries, re-hab visits, visiting nurses and eventually each of them went into a hospice facility for their last days. It was hard, stressful work but I did what they wanted and that was to stay in their home.
Doctors and scientists are working so diligently in prolonging people's lives and yet there is nothing in place to take care of people who do not have caregivers or most concerning a ton of money. The people who work in nursing homes are underpaid and there is never enough coverage. Burn-out is the caregiver's constant companion. And just because they are in a care facility does not mean your job is finished. You must be an advocate especially those with mental health concerns.
Truthfully as hard as it was, I would give anything just to be able to call them up
just for chat.
Hang tough, Barb..USA

Life at Number 38 said...

It's really hard isn't it and you can't help but feel that they're purposely not doing anything to help themselves, thus making it more difficult for family. I'm sure it'd be easier to negotiate with a terrorist. Mother-in-law has dementia and can't walk, thankfully she's in a home now and seems happy but getting there hasn't been without its problems. Father-in-law is 84 and has lung cancer. His favourite saying when he's struggling is"anybody would think I'm an old aged pensioner" which officially he is, by 20 years! I think he genuinely believes he's still a spring chicken and complains a lot about 'old people'. Mind you, I'm 48 and still feel 18 in my head. Maybe that never changes. xx

Eeek said...

The strop phase will pass in time. With my mum her faculties and abilities decreased and so did the strops. They became grunts and clenched fists but nothing more. Horrible disease. My mother was the same and refused to move, make practical choices etc Stubborn. Now she cannot move and is in bed most days. She is well cared for though. My empathies.