I'm not sure what name is of the particular post stroke syndrome that Steve is suffering from, I know it affects many more men than women but many Dr's claim to have no knowledge of it.
Steve is convinced that I never shower as I always shower between 7 & 8 the morning as soon as I get up. As Steve doesn't get up until around 10/11 o'clock he isn't aware of me showering so has decided I no longer bother.
He has decided he no longer wants me to cook for him as my cooking is shite. I think he was somewhat disappointed with the enthusiasm I greeted this decision. I'm not a fancy cook but years of cooking for a large family means that I'm a perfectly adequate plain cook. Steve did come to regret this decision when he realised how much effort he would have to put into feeding himself. He eats mainly junk food of the 'throw it in the airfryer' variety though he does cook Sunday dinner, meat and potatoes though no veg. Occasionally I'll cook enough for him if he likes what I'm cooking.
I've started wearing nightclothes at Steve's request as the sight of me naked is disgusting, he still sleeps naked as he is obviously still an Adonis. He no longer wants to have sex with me as I'm far too old, but there are certain things he likes me to do but none of these involve him touching me.
I started to attend the afternoon meetings in the summer house to get to know some of the residents. To start with Steve flatly refused as he had no intention of meeting 'a load of old people'. Once he realised I was enjoying having a social life he decided that he would start to attend and that I would need to stay home with Beano. I still regularly attend the quiz morning's on Wednesday's and any afternoons when Steve doesn't go. To be fair, my poor eyesight and hearing make it difficult for me when I do attend the meeting and actually being alone in the flat with just Beano and without the black cloud sitting in the armchair is a joy in itself.
22 comments:
I'm sorry you have to live this way. Is there a mental health person you could see to help you cope?
You are so forgiving of him. Was he once nice and kind to you, maybe before the stroke. As for pleasing him I wouldn't touch with a barge pole lol xx
I really feel for you, I know what it can be like caring for someone who has had a stroke. When I was nursing we were told that often after a stroke patients worst behaviour was often more pronounced.
DB has short term memory loss,which to say the least, is frustrating. He can start to do something, wander off, completely forgetting what he was doing.Itmakes life a bit awkward at times. I dare not let him go out on his own, there is no telling where he would end up!!
Pleased to hear you are getting to the meetings when Steve does not want to go. I can understand your feelings when he does go and leaves you with Beano.
Ok , I am going to say this even though I know I may be beaten into the ground by others who read your blog.
You have to get out of this relationship. My heart is weeping for you. Stroke or no stroke this man is sucking the life out of you by his behaviour. You deserve and need better please just think about it.I am speaking as an old lady with experience xxxxx
I felt emotional reading this as it"s similar here but he's not had a stroke unless it was a small one - Yesterday he was "steaming mad"- his words because I'd borrowed "his" lidl carrier bag rather than use my Aldi one! Today he's gone to bed because I removed a bucket of bleach and water he'd put his mouldy wax coat into - I explained the garden not a safe place for that because of my dogs and visiting cats - This coat has been haǹging by the bathroom door for a few years growing mould - I mentioned this to him but he wasn't not bothered at the time - I put it into a bin bag a while ago - I rinsed it out several times, He can reproof it -He is not happy again x
I don't like to poke my nose into other people's marital affairs, but this saddens me. I am inclined to agree with Anonymous above. I have a very close friend who poured her heart out to me on the phone some years ago. I was shocked when she told me her husband had been bullying her for 20 years, even kicking her out of the house and she had to sleep in the garage. I said, you can't go on living like this, what happens when you are an old lady, you can't be out on the streets then. Thankfully she found the courage to see a solicitor. We are now both old ladies, and she is happily single.
I would not put up with this man for one moment longer , he seems to enjoy making your life a misery , I bet when he is with his friends his behaviour is completely different.
Think about yourself how much longer can you carry on.
Sending all hugs.
This made me weep today and like others I wonder if there is any way you could get help. It is so sad that you should be treated like this especially as your own health is not good. I am sending kind thoughts to you and only wish I could do something to help. Catriona
Yes like all the other comments it was very sad to read this especially as you are not in the best of health. I think somehow you need to be living on your own. Have you got a social worker or maybe someone like Age UK to help or even speak to your G P.
For sixteen years I was married to someone who treat me badly. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and sexually. I left him. Please do the same. Your partner will squeeze all the life out of you. Love Andi xxx
It is sad that the stroke has made Steve change so drastically. Do you still feel what you wrote in your profile on the side or has that changed? Take are and look after yourself Sue.
I thought about you and just wanted to add - Last year mine was saying strange things that didnt make sense so I called Nhs helpline for advice - the person called for a nurse who spoke to him -Afterwards she said to me would I like them to mke him àn emergency appointment for the next day - I went back to see him in bed - I thought as he seemed settled after their chat I'd leave it - She said please call back if needed - and call his dr next day - He said he cant force him to go to see him but if needed call drs or Nhs or even police if he becomes violent - So I took it that the Nhs nurse on the phone noticed something not right - They did chat for a while - Thinking of you x
I phoned Nhs helpline last year for advice -She thought it warranted a nurse who asked to speak to him in bed - After she spoke to him for a while - she then spoke to me and asked if I wanted her to make an emergency appointment for next day for him at the Hospital - As he looked settled and I was unsure as he said he felt better now - She said to call back if needed -I may x
I read your struggle often without comment, my hubby had a heart attack and open heart surgery at the same time Steve had his stroke. A friend also had a stroke at the same time, he is still struggling, he too has changed so much and is very hard to be around, I do hope you can find help, at our time in life we should be enjoying ourselves, you should be looking at your health.
Sorry-the anon one at 00.29 was mine -and I thought I'd not ben able to send it so I sent another x
Hester my older Brother had a massive heart attack and suffered oxygen deprivation to the Brain which is very similar to a stroke and when he came round he was not the same person as he was before. He was mean cruel self centred and rude. I talked to medical professionals about it and its very common. I loved my Brother for how he was before the heart attack otherwise I would have walked away and left him to it. There were times when I was convinced he knew what he was doing and was just doing it to punish me for not being the one who had the heart attack and he would go out of his way to say the most horrible things so in a way I understand what you are going through. But I do feel that if you are going to continue living with Steve that boundaries of behaviour need to be drawn up as I wouldnt treat my worst enemy the way he treats you at times
This is heartbreaking. I have followed your blog for many years now. You have been so caring since he had his stroke. I’m sure your feelings are complicated as he is your husband after all. Not the husband you married though. I wonder if living apart would be possible. He obviously needs care but maybe you could be relieved of some or all of that. You have so much patience to stick with this situation. In all honesty I’m not sure I could. Take care. I’m hoping things will improve for you somehow.
I agree, you need to get out of this marriage, it's no way to live out your years. You can do it, you are a mighty strong woman. Said with respect and kindness x
Hug
It is so hard living your life. We all feel so sorry and sad for you, but there are no easy answers.
Easy for us to comment, but we are not there.
Can I just say I add my love and thoughts for a happier life to you.
Sue
We excuse, we make allowances, we tolerate, we love. In the end things are not as they were and never likely to be again. Surviving in turbulence, relentless rejection, is it asking too much to want more? Learning to love being alone, free of fear and shame, backing myself and looking towards a life of bliss – now that’s a duty of care to myself.
Wishing you the very best Hester. From Blissville.
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