Sunday 31 July 2016

A conversation

Him 'Why have you bought paint stripper?'

Me 'To get the paint off the glass panels in the door'

Him 'What a waste of money, you should use a spot chaser'

Me 'I tried a spot chaser but the glass is textured so it doesn't work'

Him ' Of course the spot chaser will work, look!'

Picks up the spot chaser and attacks the door for about 15 minutes to no avail.

Him 'Be careful with the paint stripper, don't forget to use gloves'

Saturday 30 July 2016


I've just received an email to tell me that the dance classes I booked for my DGD will not now be going ahead.

The poor girls will be devastated. It was the only paid for event they had to look forward to this summer.

It is now too late to book anything else in even if I do receive my refund in a timely manner

Shattered peace

After a mad flurry of grandchildren and visitors, housework and cat feeding, I decided to have a peaceful sit in the garden and listen to the birdsong.

It was not to be, I'd only been out there for 5 minutes when the peace was shattered.

Firstly by shouting, screaming and foul language, then the cacophony was added to by barking dogs.

Before long I heard the familiar noise of a police siren.

I gave up and came inside!

It was the usual suspects the two mad lesbians and their two fat dogs, or is it two fat lesbians and two mad dogs.

The descriptions it either way, they are well known to the police and as their fight always involve weapons, knives etc. the police tend to arrive pretty smartly.

I think the local police probably have it marked on  a calendar somewhere.

Something along the lines of 'Last weekend of every 2nd month there will be a punch up  at this address'.

Oh well, it may have spoilt my afternoon relaxation, but at least we weren't woken in the middle of the night this time.

Thursday 28 July 2016

Card declined

I filled my petrol tank up yesterday and my current account card was declined.

So I tried my joint account card and it was declined.
I explained to the cashier that they must have a problem with the machine as I'd checked both accounts earlier that day (as it's pay day and I was transferring money from one to the other).

The cashier smirked, looked at the queue building behind me and said loudly 'There is nothing wrong with the equipment'.

So I tried my credit card, it to was declined.
The cashier looked at the queue and smirked again.

I paid cash!

Annoyed by the cashiers attitude I remained by the till whilst the next 3 customers were served and also had their cards declined.

Each time I looked at the cashier, then at the customer and said 'There is nothing wrong with the equipment'.

Some people didn't have cash to pay with and the queue was getting longer and longer.

At this point the manager who had been on the forecourt came in to see what the problem was.

I explained about the failure of the card reader and complained about the cashiers attitude.

It is embarrassing enough to have a card declined without some snotty little git smirking.

The manager swapped on to the next card reader, which worked, cleared the backlog and apologised!

I really hope the snotty little git has his card declined at some point when it is really embarrassing, such as if he should be on his first date with the girl of his dreams.

I should add that the cards were all declined when they were put into the reader, not when the pin number was entered, so it was obviously a reader fault.

Wednesday 27 July 2016

Whinge whinge, moan moan

Ye gods and little fishes some people don't half whinge, me included I'm sure.

I've just been reading about a 30 year old who is complaining that her parents are charging her £50 a week to live with them. She's struggling to afford to save and have her hair cut regularly and thinks they are being unfair.

Someone else is moaning that his benefit's been cut and he can no longer afford regular foreign holidays.

A neighbour is whinging because she may have to increase her working hours from 10 to 15 to afford her current standard of living. This includes £120 a month on various beauty treatments and £100 for Sky TV.

Hey ho, first world problems!

Tuesday 26 July 2016

It's the Final Countdown

We don't have a moving date yet.

My L&M doesn't have a leaving date yet.

but I have decided on a retirement date.

Drum Roll please.

I have decided to retire at Christmas 2017.

Hopefully, by then everything else will be sorted out and I can stroll off in to the sunset.

Monday 25 July 2016

It wasn't meant to be

I had hoped/intended to have  lie in the morning but it wasn't meant to be.

First my L&M's alarm went off as he forgot to change the time.

I restrained myself from braining him and turned over hoping to get back to sleep.

The home phone rang, so I leapt (staggered) out of bed, downstairs and answered the phone.

The lady caller asked for my L&M by name, I asked who was calling as I didn't want to wake him for a sales call.

She replied 'It's Mandy, I'm phoning to tell him his overalls are hanging on the fence at work, the supermarket fence'.

I explained that my L&M doesn't wear overalls and doesn't work at a supermarket.

'Oh' she replied 'Is that Mavis?'

Nope, my name isn't Mavis, she apologised profusely and hung up, I put the kettle on, I'm not getting back to sleep now that's for certain.

This isn't the first time this lady has phoned and asked to speak to hubby, and always early in the morning!


If I try hard enough I can probably find a part of me that doesn't ache.

Yup, found it, my eyelashes  don't ache, goody.

Today Helen and I went to Lizzie's house and between us we gutted the garden, we did 3 tip runs, filled 2 hippo bags and had a visit from the scrap man.

The previous owner loved ivy and the garden is over run with it, once we cut it back the garden was a metre wider.

The children now have a garden they can play in for the summer holidays

We will go again next week and do some indoor work, Helen is having Lizzie's 12, 9 and 6 year to stay over a few times, I will have the 18 month old to stay at the same time to give Lizzie a break.

We were there from 9 until 4, I went from there to a colleagues house to collect her keys, I am feeding her cats, fishes and watering her plants and garden for 3 weeks.

From there I came home and made supper for my L&M and took it up to him, I'll go back and collect him at 9 or 10 when he finishes.

I then returned home and took out the recycling, 1 wheely bin, 1 large bag and 2 boxes, one of card, one of glass.

Phew, feet up with a cold drink now and then maybe a jacket potato for me.

Sunday 24 July 2016

Writing practice

I write every day, sometimes a blog post, sometimes a short story sometime another episode of a serial I'm working on.

Sometimes something pops into my head so I write it down, but then I find I just can't take it any further.

This is one of those snippets.

She paused opposite the grand entrance to the hotel, she would walk through the doors soon but for now she paused, not because she was intimidated by the hotel, no. She just wanted to run through the instructions the agency had forwarded from the new client.

Hotel guests all know that the concierge will be able to provide them with a hooker, but for those with more unusual tastes the concierge will contact the agency.

She checked her suitcase, no handcuffs, whips or nipple clamps this time, just a tea strainer, wellington boots and tube of Deep Heat. Oh well what ever floats your boat, she thought.

Friday 22 July 2016

A reprieve and a wren

DD phoned a short time ago, her hubby is staying home tonight so I don't need to baby sit.

I did look after 18 month old DGD Suzy today from 11:30 until 2:45, we danced to the music on TV and brushed each others hair, well I brushed hers and she hit me on the head with the hair brush. Ten out of ten for effort but her coordination needs improvement.

When I was in the garden I saw a wren in one of the plum trees, I haven't seen a wren for years.

My beloved L&M and I went out for a carvery meal, cheap and cheerful and it saved me cooking.

Going, going GONE!!!!!!!

The Denby china has gone, I got £76 for it, I promptly spent £45 of it on socks for my DGC and £12 on 4 plain white pasta bowls.

The books have gone, all posted finally.

My L&M's 10 spare fleeces have gone to CIRDIC. Mind you, only I would drop off 10 warm fleeces to a homeless charity in the middle of a heatwave. They were happy to receive them and I made a cash donation as well.

I'm just waiting for a phone call from another local charity about getting the furniture collected.

Thursday 21 July 2016

Writers circle

Last night was my writers circle meeting, not only were we plagued by flying ants, one lady was determinedly swatting them with a magazine, another was having hysterics because she didn't want them killed.

 The second lady became even more hysterical when the ants all started to land on her as they took a shine to her yellow tee shirt.

We also read out the rest of our stories that we had put forward to be professionally critiqued. Well all I can say is if you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen!

We were given a topic to write about and there had to be a connection, however loose.

One gentleman had written  interesting piece but I could see no connection to the topic we were given, I assumed it was just me and that I'd missed something but no, and this was pointed out to him  critique.

The critic was kind about the writing style and the research undertaken but couldn't see the connection to the given topic.

Well it went down like a lead balloon, the poor critic had his knowledge of the topic, writing in general and even his legitimacy called into question!

And I thought I was bad at taking rejection, still it enlivened the evening somewhat and distracted us from the flying ants. 

Hearing aid ceremony

Every morning we have the Fitting of the Hearing Aid Ceremony.

It takes more time and is possibly more complicated than a Japanese tea ceremony.

It can only be carried out in complete silence, and attempt at conversation is met with upheld hands and a pained expression.

First the aids have to be found, even though they are always in the same place. But much searching and muttering takes place.

Then they must be placed on a piece of kitchen roll, that is its self placed on a table mat.

Each aid is then brushed and poked thoroughly to his satisfaction.

One is then placed in the appropriate ear, the battery door closed and the beeps carefully counted.

This is then repeated for the other aid.

Of course the beeps don't always match, this is then the cause of much swearing and cursing and the aids being removed, with the whole rigmarole taking place again.

I also wear hearing aids, I grab mine from the pot they are kept in, wipe them over with an antibac wipe as instructed and shove them in. I usually fit them as I am walking to the car, it takes seconds and involves no pained requests for silence, no upheld hands and no swearing. I can also carry on a conversation whilst doing this.

Monday 18 July 2016

Career path

So what was your career path? Did you decide upon a career, train for it a work on in the same career for years?

Did you, like me, have no definite path and wander from job to job?

I have a relative who decided aged 5 to be a librarian, stuck to it, studied hard, went to uni, got her degree. Got a job in a library, realised once she started that she was expected to deal with the general public. Decided she hated dealing with people and left after 3 weeks, she is now an accountant.

I've done probably every menial and not so menial job going apart from bar work. I have worked as a cleaner, shop assistant, clerical worker, dominatrix, veterinary nurse, telephonist, receptionist, waitress, washer up. I've worked on assembly lines, run an assembly line, soldered pcb boards and cables. Installed cables in huge office blocks singles handed.

When I left school I started as a hairdressing apprentice, 6 month in my parents separated and I was sent to live 50 miles away with my grandparents. That was the end of my hairdressing career, not that I was bothered. It had been my mothers idea, not mine in the first place.

I spent a lot of my working life at a time when you could walk out of a job in you lunch break and walk into another job after lunch. Times are different now.

Sunday 17 July 2016

What a difference a day makes!

This is what my feet and ankles look like after a day stood at the machines.

This is what they look like after a day doing housework and looking after one of the DGD's.

I know they aren't skinny ankles, but they are now bony, how they should be.

Saturday 16 July 2016

What a mucking fuddle

Apologies to Fuds if you are reading.

First, a huge apology to anyone still waiting for a book.

Secondly if you are still waiting, especially Jo, Fishcake Random, Frugal Needles, Sue in Suffolk, Maureen and Cheryl and anyone I have missed off the list.

Please email me at with the title of the book and your postal address.

A problem has just come to my notice.

I can't post the details on my blog but I will email an explanation and then I will send the book you are waiting for!

Thursday 14 July 2016

Would you Adam and Eve it

I can barely believe what I heard today.

I've made an A3 plan detailing the summer break, what shift my L&M is on, what days I have to be where to help with the DGC, who's cats need feeding on what day and who's roses need watering when.
One of my colleagues saw this and asked how much I charged to feed someone's cats. I explained that I didn't charge family, but otherwise I charged £5 a day.
She then offered me £10 a day to feed her cat for a long weekend.

She had asked a neighbours 12 year old daughter if she would do it but the child wasn't prepared to do it for £10, it was too much like hard work to walk about 20 feet and feed and cuddle a cat.

Ye gods and little fishes, the child must get everything she wants to feel able to turn down an offer like that.

Tuesday 12 July 2016

Roll on the end of term

This is what my feet and ankles look like after a day stood by the machines in a hot room, complete with hairy hobbit toes.

Monday 11 July 2016


It was a really shitty day at work today, I know a lot of us aren't happy there but I try not to take it out on my colleagues, other people just take it out on all of us!
Anyway I have my beloved home from Silverstone, he phoned me at 4am to say 'I'll be home in 20 minutes, put the kettle on love'!

You know the absolute best thing about having him home?
Well the second best thing?
I get to clean my teeth with grown up toothpaste.
He took our tube with him and I was left with Hello Kitty strawberry flavoured gel.

Ye gods, it was disgusting!

Sunday 10 July 2016

Pics from the weekend

Suzy decided that Nana's houses needed a wash.

Suzy found a sharpie!

Robots made from cardboard boxes

Suzy and the sharpie found the coffee table.

The Bitch Bites Back

I have mostly nice neighbours but one is a nasty piece of work.

Mo is spiteful, spreads rumors, causes trouble wherever she can and bullies those less able to stand up for themselves.

She doesn't work and so has plenty of time on her hands to think about how many problems she can cause.

She tried a power play on me not long after we moved in about 15 years ago, querying how much work we were doing on the house and saying she might have to complain about it. I've had years of practice at dealing with crap. I looked her up and down, sniggered and walked away.

A couple of weeks later my car wasn't on the drive as my son was repairing it. There was a knock on the door, it was about 8:30 in the evening and dark. My L&M answered the door and there stood Mo, skin tight, short skirt, tits hung out to dry. 'I thought I'd pop in for coffee' she said. Ever the gentleman he invited her in made her a coffee and then brought her through to the living room where I was sat! She couldn't get out of the house quick enough.

She phones the council most weeks complaining about the neighbours having trees in the wrong place, rats in the garden and non-existent bonfires.

She has caused endless problems for one of my colleagues, she keeps telling his already insecure wife that she has seen him in various clubs and pubs with other women, at times when he is at work.

So now she has found a new game to play, she left a note on a neighbours car telling them they couldn't park in her road as the car wasn't registered to said road. The car owner asked me if I'd left the note as his car was parked beside my house. I assured him I hadn't left a note. Not getting the desired response she left another note on the car, saying that the car has now been reported to the police and signing it in my name.

He showed me the note, I reassured him that it couldn't possibly be from me as I know how to spell my own surname. This made him laugh so much and the noise brought Mo to her front door.

'What are you laughing at' she shouted.

I replied, 'You, you stupid cow, if you are going to sign my name to your puerile notes, learn to spell my name properly'.

Weekend babysit, Saturday

Eileen and Norah woke about 7am Saturday morning, I gave them and Suzy, who was still awake, breakfast, bagels, cereals and pancakes. Then I cleared the table, got out the box of felt tips and a big pack of coloured foam stickers and glitter shapes I found in B&M for £2.50.

DGS woke up about 8:30, he wanted scrambled egg on toast. After he'd eaten Suzy was tired so I put her in her cot and she went to sleep. Being a cruel nana I only let her sleep for an hour and then woke her up.

I cooked toasted cheese and ham sandwiches for lunch then Suzy and Eileen watched TV, Norah played a dragon game on my computer for an hour.

DGS went to play with a friend for the afternoon and I made play doh with Eileen and Norah.

After tea, lasagne, garlic bread and salad with ice cream for dessert they went in the garden to play with the rest of the water balloons.

Suzy  went to bed at 5:30 after a bath, she had climbed into one of the raised beds and was covered in compost, even her nappy was full of compost, she went straight to sleep.

Eileen and Norah went to bed a 6 and 6:30 respectively and both went straight to sleep.

DGS & I went up at 9:30 and also both went straight to sleep.

Saturday 9 July 2016

Dairy of the weekend babysit Friday night

I collected DD and the three DGD after work on Friday, DGS walked to my house and was sat on the doorstep when we arrived.
DD set up the travel cot for me and then caught the bus home.
I made tea for the kids, smothered chicken with jacket potatoes then they played for a while. I'd bought some water balloons and sent them in to the garden to get soaked. They had a great time and once they came in I started bed time.
Unfortunately the littlest DGD Suzy hadn't got the memo that said she normally went to bed at 6 and she created big time. She is 20 months and has started the Terrible Twos, I'll list some of the things she threw a strop over later on.
I gave up on Suzy and put Eileen to bed and she went to sleep straight after a story, Norah followed next and also went straight to sleep.
So now it's 9 o'clock and Suzy is still refusing to settle so I sent DGS to bed, he also went straight to sleep.
Suzy finally settled just after 10 o'clock so I went to bed too.
At 1 am Suzy woke up and was most displeased to find her self at my house, she threw a strop of almighty proportions. I tried her in my bed, in her cot, with a drink, all to no avail and eventually her yelling woke Eileen and Norah, DGS slept on oblivious, eventually the two older ones went back to bed I came downstairs with Suzy, having had about three hours sleep. So I got four loads of washing done and on the line and even paid the milkman when he arrived at 4am, he was most surprised to see me on the doorstep at that time in the morning.

Thursday 7 July 2016

Love is blind, now it makes sense

But lust is just plain stupid!

This is an observation from the workplace and nothing to do with me or my family.

I witnessed some strange and silly behaviour by colleague A whenever colleague B  was around

Colleague A is married to colleague C.

Colleague B is married to colleague D.

One evening when collecting my L&M from work we were delayed as there were two cars still in the car park at locking up time and two staff members still logged as being in the building.

My L&M was unable to locate anyone in the offices where they were supposed to be, they also didn't show up on the CCTV.

When I asked who he was looking for he explained it was colleague s A & B, I suggested he looked in places where there was no CCTV.

And there they were, hidden away in a dark corner!

We break up soon, I hope this gives both parties time to cool their ardour before the shit hits the fan as they have four small children between them.

Wednesday 6 July 2016

Stupid is as stupid does

We did a Race for Life today at school, my DGS was one of many runners, on the chest labels it said who people were running for.
My grandson's said 'I'm running for my cousin Jessie, she is 5, she has leukaemia.'
At least a dozen students told him he was stupid as the race was for cancer, not leukaemia.
Fortunately he was quick to tell them it was they that were stupid a it is a form of cancer.

Monday 4 July 2016

From school to school

Today I rushed out of the school where I work and drove to the DGC's school as it was sports day.

I got there in time to see them run in their races and then they had a water fight. It is a regular thing the water fight as all the kids had towels with them.

They were delighted to see me so I was glad I'd made it on time.

I took them chocolate, so they were even more pleased to see me.

I had a chat with DD and the kids and a cuddle with the twins, who also liked the chocolate!

Then I came home had a snack, vacuumed out the cupboard under the stairs that I emptied yesterday and started another crochet blanket.

Saturday 2 July 2016


When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

So what can I make from a pile of steaming shit?

Last night's quiz and curry night was good fun, I still think I should have been given points for my answer to the question 'What is the one thing Elvis never gave when he performed?'
My answer was 'A blowjob' it bought the house down but wasn't correct, it seems Elvis never gave an encore, hence the phrase 'Elvis has left the building'.

DD2's psychotic episode made the drive home interesting to say the least, but that is why we had DIL with us as I can't see to drive in the dark.

I have dealt with my L&M having similar episodes but he hasn't had one for ten years now so I'm a bit out of practice. If I ever meet the psychiatrist who changes her medication every other week I shall kick him in the nuts!

Today I looked after DD1's toddler twins from 11:30 until 2:30, along with her 10 and 11 year old as her 16 year old had a hospital appointment and he didn't want to go alone, I can't say I blame him.
The children were very good and I made a picnic that we ate on the decking, once we'd finished I just shook the quilt we'd sat on, onto the grass. The starlings had a field day once we'd come indoors.

Tonight I had arranged to go to a dinner and disco at a local hotel for a colleagues 50th birthday, after last night I nearly didn't go but I'd paid and I didn't want to appear rude so off I trundled.

I'm so glad I did, the starter and main course were very good but the desserts were disappointing. But the best bit was the music, everything from Reet Petite by Jackie Wilson, released in 1957 through Lets Twist Again by Chubby Checker  1962 and then they played lots of Motown which is the music of my youth, Supremes, Four Tops, Temptation and Martha and the Vandellas, so I bopped around for an hour.

Now my feet are swollen from my toes to my knees but it was worth it!

Fruit and veg box

 This is what was in my box today. Carrots, cabbage, spinach, avocado, apples, oranges and a huge beefsteak tomato. I've already eaten a...