Steve is really unhappy here, he is refusing to mix with 'all the old people'. I'm gritting my teeth and ignoring his complaints, it's not like I can make our neighbours any younger is it.
I'm hoping that when the weather improves he will meet more people but he is extremely stubborn.
He used to enjoy gardening when we lived in a house and he could do that here, there is a bed that is ours and he could plant things in it. I don't make many suggestions as he is constantly looking for an argument and I'd rather not give him the opportunity.
When I go to the summer house to chat with the neighbours I often suggest he should come to, but he refuses. I know he's finding it difficult and he can't understand why I'm not putting the flat on the market and rushing to buy another boat.
To be honest he used to complain endlessly when we lived on a boat, especially towards the end when he couldn't actually manage. He was always full of plans to travel the Thames, including the tidal part, or even to take the boat across the Wash. No doubt in a few years he will have convinced himself he did all these things.
I found life on the boat very hard, not only did it require muscles I no longer have, so operating the lock gates was difficult. But also I was very isolated, before we gave up the boat I made various suggestions that would have made my life less isolated. Such as moving to a marina where there was a club house, or to a busy mooring where there were people around. I suggested moving to a mooring near Stroke Club so I could continue to cook for them.
Steve was adamant that none of my suggestions were workable, so eventually I told him I was no longer well enough to continue boat life. I did suggest I look for sheltered, rented accommodation and that Steve could stay on the boat. He refused!
19 comments:
Oh dear...I'd like to say he's one of a kind...however I think many woman are probably in a similar situation...you're brave and committing it to 'paper'! Good luck. x
I'm sorry your hubby is so hard to please. Good job you love him enough to try and make his life happier and easier. Not many people would, you must have a lot of patience. Unfortunately some people are never going to be happy in their lives and others must accept this. My mother, when she was alive, said I would never be happy wherever I lived and she was so right. I have realised I will never recreate what I want with what I can afford so have to make the best of what I've got. If only your hubby could realise this but perhaps his health issues are not allowing him to see sense. I hope you can both settle down and make a nice life for yourselves where you are now as life is too short to be miserable. Good luck and best wishes to you.
I find there are people - or in Steve's case - maybe a state people reach, where complaint is the only thing in their lives. The last thing g they want is their comment to be resolved. My sister and I separate heard my mother say she hated her bathroom wallpaper and had done since it was put on. Sis asked me to repaper while ma on holiday. I did, on return, ma said, "I didn't think there was anything g wrong with the paper that was on"! I have just unfriended an 'associate' who complai s about sore back but won't try Ralgex. I posted a clip of Paolo Nutini, Man commented, "He's sh*te, and the woman can't si g, either." Quite apart from Paolo having g widely recognised musical.talent, not just 'popstar', there was no woman I the video clip!. Another friend co.ai s about business, family and diet, but dismisses every suggestion. Once I understood my ma I would say,'well its good you're complaining about smallstuff it means there's nothing important to complain about! I have great sympathy for you. I would be tempted to suggest he go back yo boat life alone or with AN Other, as you cannot anddont want to go back. I'm glad you have this blog as an outlet. Best Wishes
I can't really offer any advice, but just wanted to send you my sympathy. It sounds like a very stressful situation.
You've done your best, and I should imagine that EVERYONE except Steve knows and can see that you've done and are still doing your best. I think you just have to live your life and do the things that you can and want to do, and leave Steve to wallow a little bit in the fug that he's gotten himself into.
Well you are safe and 'happy' now, so you can begin to relax. I'm afraid Steve will have to lump it or find alternative lodgings.
You are doing the best you can and so is Steve in his own way. If there is a compromise to your situation, you will find it. It is good to talk about it and we are glad to listen.
I think ear plugs are needed when Steve gets going. My husband's grandmother had old hearing aids built into her glasses. When grandfather got going, she made a big deal of just taking off her glasses. It was crazy.
Mom complains all the time about where she lives but when we suggest moving even to another floor or building, it stops temporarily and she likes the apartment again. For some, complaining is a way of life as trying something different might or might not fail. Steve seems stuck in the past and present without any mental ability to consider the future.
I am so glad though that you are settled and in a safe comfortable place. Good luck with getting to know the neighbors. Might find a kindred spirit.
You have the patience of a saint and I really feel for you with Steve's constant complaining. If it were me I would be tempted to tell him to go!
It has to be so hard for you and my heart goes out to you. Perhaps there is a support group for YOU, a group for families and friends that have loved ones who've suffered strokes. Kind of like Alanon, for families and friends of alcoholics. Caregivers, or the person who has become the one with most of the responsibilities, need even more care themselves. For if you're wrecked, you can't help yourself or him. I'm a staunch believer in counseling; it has given me skills to learn how to deal with the ups and downs of life. I believe I wouldn't "be here" without it.
You are a star coping with Steve as you do but remember to look after yourself too.Barbarax
It’s not wrong to consider yourself, you cannot sacrifice your own happiness in an attempt to please your husband and he shouldn’t expect you to, though I doubt he would see it that way. Maybe you both need time to adapt to your life on land, you’ve hardly been in the new place any time. Would Steve agree to giving it a year at least during which time you can make every effort to convince him to stay put. Do make your own health and well-being your priority thiugh, take care.
What I do when mine is argumentative and attention seeking is try to help and reason - but as soon as I see he is getting more agitatated - for my own health I now cut my efforts to minimum x
Stroke can change people and it seems Steve has been impacted. He seems somewhat unreasonable and this has to be very hard for you. You are wise to keep your daughters and good friends close; they can help support you during these tough times with Steve. Take care.
I’m glad you feel less isolated and enjoying the company of others in your new home. Steve will perhaps warm to his new home or not. Please take care of yourself first-you deserve to have a safe and comfortable place to stay when your health and eyesight are not what they were. Sending kind thoughts and hugs to you. ❤️
We do need other people that is a fact.
Hugs x
I went back over your blog for the last several years. To read how your husband has behaved toward you over the last decade.
I found many instances of him accusing you,bullying you,blaming you. Some of his behaviors may be stroke related.But
Not all. He obviously can interact well with other people. He treats brother, grandchildren and friends well.But he can't be bothered to treat you civilly. Maybe some time apart from
Him would be good for your soul.
Perhaps a long visit with your daughter.
I can't remember you ever mentioning it, but is Steve on anti-depressants? He sounds very depressed to me and his mood would probably improve if he were to accept help in this way. I realise that he would never willingly accept anti-depressants, but maybe a little conniving between you and the doctor could be done where Steve could be cajoled by the doctor's suggestion that 'these pills are important for your health' . . .
Probably not possible, I guess, but I think you would benefit from a chat with the doctor to help with the situation?
- Rosemary x
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