One day when I was in the summer house a neighbour made some strange comments about me watching tv too loud and glared at me. I was confused as I wear headphones or use subtitles. After a couple of hours I realised that she could probably hear Steve watching stuff on his tablet.
I mentioned this to him and he purchased four different sets of headphones. It took him a while to find some that were comfortable. This was ok for a couple of days, but yesterday he wasn't wearing them and I could hear the resident next door banging and crashing in her kitchen. I'm assuming that was her way of communicating her displeasure. So after a we'd eaten I suggested he put his headphones on. He immediately threw a strop, shouted at me, claimed his tablet wasn't loud and that I was being difficult as he couldn't possibly be disturbing anyone and went off to bed in a strop. I work on the theory that if I can hear something it's too loud and I could hear his tablet. Which is why mentioned it.
So now what do I do? I don't wish to fall out with the neighbours but I do struggle to get Steve to behave reasonably. He is convinced he isn't deaf and that I and other people are complaining for no reason!
That's an impossible situation, and the neighbour can probably hear him shouting about it too.
It looks like you may need to stop protecting him and get your neighbours to knock on the door and speak with Steve in person. I know exactly how you feel believe me. He’ll have the hump, but that’s his problem and not yours, and it’ll pass. Let him in to real life. I protected my partner after his strokes and it really doesn’t help in the long term it’s doing them a disservice by taking away they’re independence and ability to deal with other people. We protect them but it makes the situation get worse. Be honest with your neighbours. Tell them about Steve. You need to have a life as well. We only live once. My partner passed away over a year ago. Life is often short and unfair, so don’t take on Steve’s own problems. He needs to deal with things head on like an adult or he’ll never do anything. You do enough. I mean no disrespect in saying this at all. I wish someone had told me this at the time I was doing it is all. Take good care. Donna x
Go and speak to your neighbour, explain and apologise as they will no doubt hear Steve shouting at you too.
I would speak to your neighbour and ask her to talk to your husband directly not you. She. Ay then see what you are living with each and every day. Catriona
My husband wears hearing aids, but still complains I mumble!
What a muddle. I might suggest that you gather the neighbors either one by one or in a small group and explain the stroke and how he only listens to other people. Let them know to come over and tell him the problem directly since he will NOT listen to you. You said before he tries to be acceptable when around others.
Almost the only thing you can do yourself. Best wishes and hope they can gather around you for support.
This has now reached the point where you have to speak to your neighbour/s about it.
Don't be aggressive in any way, but explain about Steve's medical problems and ask for her understanding. If she can hear the TV, she'll have heard him shouting at you too, so it shouldn't come as a shock to her.
Make her understand that there is nothing you can do about the noise levels, as Steve doesn't think he's being loud. Point out to her that he may take more notice of a stranger than he does of you. If you could get some neighbours 'on side', it might just make Steve see that it's not you being awkward, and that there really is a problem.
Is the flat part of a 'sheltered' complex, or over 55s only type of place? If so, do you have a manager who could perhaps explain the rules and regs to Steve? Of course, if he thinks he's being quiet, it'll be really difficult to convince him otherwise.
Could you get one of your kids to come round one time when Steve has the volume on really loud? Get them to pretend they've rung your doorbell, but couldn't make themselves heard, and then 'had to' go to your garden window to attract your attention. Perhaps that might make Steve realise that it's not just you being unreasonable?
Int the over 55s complex where my FiL had his apartment, there were very strict rules about noise nuisance, and I'm wondering if there's the same sort of thing where you are.a
Good luck, and take care. Col X
As others have said, I would say to the neighbour that Steve won't accept that his hearing has deteriorated, and doesn't think his tablet is loud. Ask them to come round and knock next time, explaining that he might listen if he hears it from someone else. No need to go in to any other details at this stage.
I do find it really annoying that people refuse to accept that they are losing their hearing. It happens, just as our vision changes and everything else. As soon as I found I was having to ask my husband to repeat himself, I went straight for a checkup as I didn't want to be one of those people! My mother also refused to accept she needed hearing aids, it drove me mad.
Just as you have shared your situation with us, I think you have to share it with your neighbors. Maybe some of them have lived through similar times and can help. At least they will know you are trying your best.
I think you cannot deal with his behaviour alone - Is there one particular neighbour who you could explain the situation to x
All the answers here are spot on what great advice !!
Have been down this path, I once heard the parents' television from a parking place on the street. Fortunately, their neighbors were themselves deaf.
I agree with the comments above: It's time to speak frankly with the neighbors, hoping they've had similar experiences and will be understanding of the challenges you and Steve are facing, post-stroke.
you may also find it easier to go with something that is measurable and quantifiable, a sort of objective thing - I don't know if you or Steve have a smartphone, and if there are apps for measuring sound in decibels with it? (I googled: there are). If so, it might be worth using that. It's harder to argue with a set figure (If he tries the whole "inaccurate" thing, tell him to get a better device - you still win). I don't want to give a specific link as it'll fall afoul of spam rules but if you google 'smartphone android measuring sound levels app', and look for the second result down, a blog by echobarrier, it gives reviews of 5 different apps so hopefully you'll find something that may meet your needs.
I do think you should let people know about Steve,you do a wonderful job but its not fair on you. I think you are wonderful and I,m glad you have family and that you are off the boat.
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