Steve has spent the last few days doing errands with our neighbour Harry.
They have visited B&Q, Howdens, the local tip twice and assorted garden centres.
I know Steve found it hard when I gave up driving as did I. So going out and about with Harry does him good, though it does mean he has to save up all his moaning until he gets home. They usually go out in the morning, they often lunch out in Morrison's cafe and usually get back by 3 in time to attend the summer house meeting. So it's just gone 5 by the time Steve gets in and he goes to bed before 9 so it does somewhat limit his moaning time.
It's sunny out and definitely getting warmer though we have more rainy days due.
As for the suggestions that I leave Steve to his own devices for a few days, my daughters have 10 children and two dogs between them. I can think of nothing worse than staying with them.
I also rarely shout at Steve because it achieves nothing, he immediately gets defensive and claims he only shouts because I'm deaf.
I prefer to stay calm, wait until he has calmed down and then tell him quietly that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Chris, thank you, I find many people have no understanding of the complexities of living with a stroke survivor.
DD1 will hopefully have three more children by the end of the year. I'm not sure she will be able to hang on that long as I'm sure social services will be tugging at her heart strings before long. Her oldest is moving out, he was all set to go some time ago but he had a car accident and broke a bone in his back. He's been in a brace but it is coming off soon and then he will fly the nest.
The siblings that she has are going to move into his self-contained annex, there are just a few jobs to do to get it ready for them. There will then only be the 12 year old and the twins left in the main house.
8 comments:
I understand, and empathise with you. My situation is similar. I think you have more patience than me.
It's good that Steve is now getting out and about with Harry, giving both of you some time away from each other. If the weather improves, he may even spend more time with friends in the garden rather than moaning at you!
As for 'Chris' and her comment about how disgusting the comments advising you to leave Steve are, I agree that leaving him is out of the question for you, as it should be. I am shocked by the number of women who seemingly have forgotten their marriage vows and are not prepared to accept 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health'. It's in no way Steve's, or your fault that he had the stroke, but you now have the problem of being married to a man who is an entirely different person than you 'jumped over the broomstick' with!
However, is she aware that some of us have 'known' you and Steve (formerly CHS) for a long time now, since long before you moved to your first boat?
I, for one, am more than aware that a lot of Steve's personality changes are due to his having had the stroke.
I am also intensely aware of the way stroke survivors can change, in all aspects of their lives. My father suffered his first stroke in his early fifties, and his personality was changed forever from that moment. He had progressively worse strokes during the following few years, which meant he couldn't walk me down the aisle at my wedding, make his father of the bride speech, cuddle and play with our son, eat without help, bathe himself properly or walk, even short distances without two sticks and someone beside him! He reached the point where he still recognised me, but saw me as a school girl, and thought my son was his child and my younger brother! Eventually he had a devastating, totally unsurvivable stroke, just a few years after his first.
Therefore I realise the effects of stroke more than the vast majority of people, quite possibly even Chris!
I am also aware that Steve can be a much more reasonable person with others, and saves his worst vitriol for you! Thereby proving that he does have some control over what he says, and the manner in which he says it.
I admit that I would have to shout back at him at times, but you have a much calmer nature than me. If shouting back wouldn't make him realise how upset you are, it would be a pointless venture.
As ever, all you can do is make a knot in the end of your rope, and hang on for dear life!
Take care, Col X
Thank goodness for helpful neighbours, Hester.
I am enjoying audio books, free online from the library, with my inconspicuous ear bud. It cuts out a lot that I can’t be bothered to listen to.
Nelliegrace
Oh Hester. I do so feel for you ,I have posted before as I have a similar situation to you but mine is with my epileptic 40 year old son who's seizures are getting worse . Often after lengthy seizures he suffers from post ictal psychosis for a few days, his personality completely changes, it is very upsetting he can be very nasty which isn't at all like him, then eurphoric ,then horrid again, mostly taken out on me the one he loves and trusts the most it is because his brain has been battered like with a stroke, we are going through it at the moment, he also has this sometimes in between seizures , It breaks my heart but at the same time I have to control my sadness and sometimes anger and remind myself that its not the real him and take myself out of the situation as long as I know he is safe he sometimes realises somethings not right and will dissolve in my arms saying why is this happening to me, Steve is the man you married for love ,he is still in there but a cruel stroke has altered him and I do hope you can find more ways of getting these moments to yourself. Only somebody that is living with your situation can truly understand and if one day it becomes all too much and something has to change that is your businesss and your choice, nobody elses but having the support from this blog is a lovely thing for you,you are an amazing woman, take care, Chrissie x
Yes a stroke causes changes in a person's
brain. Of this there is no doubt.
But, my dear it is quite apparent Steve is able to control his nastiness.
The evidence of this is all over your blog.
He can be nice to his brother.
He can be nice,polite to your daughter and neighbor harry. He can go out to eat,shop all without screaming at anyone.
It seems the only person his is unable to treat
decently is you. He will continue to treat you like garbage.
I've read your blog a long time.
This is the last time I will read it as it breaks my heart to hear how horrible things are for you. That you continually defend his behavior.
I wish you all the best Hester.
Your daughter is awesome for what she does.
I think that you are Steve's safe space and all the frustrations and negativity that he feels as a result of the stroke are getting thrown at you.
Sending all hugs and scritches for Beano.
I was told by the NHS helpline that some people can act normally for a couple of hours whilst with others - even with dementia in early stages x
Sorry if I offended you - don't remember making that comment. Maybe it was another Chris?
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