Steve isn't happy here, he makes no secret of it. I've suggested various solutions but he's rather stay here and complain than move.
He has now exhausted the sympathy of most of the other residents and is finding it difficult to find someone to sympathise with him.
He has now reached out to some boater friends telling them how unhappy he is and how unkind I am.
The lady has emailed me remonstrating with me for my unkindness towards Steve! Her email explains that she whilst she is glad I have made friends and understands my need to go out. To go out every day, leaving Steve in the flat to look after Beano is unfair. She also feels I need to share the visits to coffee meetings in the summer house rather than attending alone and again leaving Steve in the flat with Beano!
I have not yet replied.
I may never reply!
34 comments:
Oh please reply! As she has taken the trouble to write to you, be polite but firm in telling her the truth about your life with Steve and how he is blatantly lying to her about his situation. Don't let her carry on believing his lies and possibly spreading what she believes to be his very sad life. I'd be inclined to arrange an appointment with your doctor and ask his advice on the way forward with Steve's mentality and actions as it's affecting your mental health with depression, tension, etc.
No wonder you're seething, I would be too. If it were me, I think I'd be inclined to reply saying not a word of that is true, but if she chooses to automatically believe everything Steve says, without hearing what I have to say, then I cannot be bothered to even attempt to defend myself. And then delete her email and block her. I hope you can find a happier life in the near future, Sue xx
"Oh, my dear! Would you be at all interested in my side of the story?" would be an appropriate response, I feel! Bloody cheek!!!
If he won't move, then you (and Beano) should. The situation you are in is beyond toxic, and now he is conscripting others to make it even more toxic. You have more than fulfilled your responsibilities as a "good wife". He won't change; in fact, he is getting worse in terms of his controlling and abusive behaviour. Enough is enough, dear Hester!
My first thought is that she has a darn cheek to get involved in your business. I have no solution to offer but I’m sure that you must be extremely angry. It must be tempting to tell her exactly where to go but probably better to just ignore her. Good luck 🙂
Isn't it strange that people feel free to comment and advise when they know little to nothing about a situation?!!? In a world where we are mostly all doing the best we can, I'm not sure what motivates people to do this. I rarely comment and try not to offer advice even when asked - most people just want confirmation that their actions or proposed actions are the best thing. I have enough to do just to manage my own life!! I do enjoy your blog and am glad that you are wirting more often.
Gift her Steve!
I feel for you.
Probably he has convinced himself that it is all true. Interesting to see how the male brain works. They were brought up to believe that everything is meant to be as they believe it.
The old ladies at Church told me that I was lucky to have a husband who did all the housework and ironing.
He does nothing. Worse, he says he will do it, and thinks that counts as having done the task.
Perhaps you should encourage him to go and stay with his fan, so she can experience his perfection.
Best wishes to you and Beano.
Do reply and tell her that Steve is telling a pack of lies but she needs to mind her own business and not interfere as you have enough to cope with putting up with Steve's unreasonable behaviour.
Oh let some of your friends on here reply on your behalf.
Better still suggest that 'the letter writer' spends some time with Steve herself, just long enough for him to be his true self.
Tell her to try walking a mile in your shoes
I am so cross for you at this letter writer, lovely lady x
Oh let some of your friends on here reply on your behalf.
Better still suggest that 'the letter writer' spends some time with Steve herself, just long enough for him to be his true self.
Tell her to try walking a mile in your shoes
I am so cross for you at this letter writer, lovely lady x
Tish, Hi hester. Perhaps the very helpful lady would like the poorly done by Steve to live with her.
She may just see another side within a very short time.
Leave and take Beano with you. Life is too precious to waste on on a lying Toe rag like Steve.
I would reply and say well he's welcome to come and live with you, come and get him anytime you want.
Take care whatever you decide to do, I couldn't/wouldn't live your life & I'm glad I don't have to.
He's not happy there but wants to stay, so he can spend your savings on himself, he's mean and greedy & that's not rational. To go lying about you behind your back is manipulative, the behaviour of a narcissist. I worry about your safety but only you can change it.
If this was happening to one of your friends or relatives, what would you advise them to do, put up and shut up ? I'm sure you wouldn't want them to live a miserable life so why are you living it? Be the change you want to see.
Shall I try to be charitable and say she may be offering you some respite care? Certainly tell her your side of the story!
Do you know something Hester as soon as I saw the blog title 'seething' the first words that came into my head was what the bloody hell has Steve done now and I wasn't wrong.I know you love him but he's a proper pain in the arse, i'd just ignore it and get on with my own life as lets be honest even if you reply to the woman it'll all end up being your fault so rise above it is what I say. As for Steve not having any friends in your Community then that's all down to him I'm afraid and how he behaves so again its a case of not your fault then not your problem. I do think things are about to get ugly again though as he will get nasty when you keep going out without him but stand strong you are allowed your own life
Lesley xx
You could share your side of the story with her if you want to. I guess Steve can be friendly when he wants to be if he is visiting with her.
I wish a happier life for you and Beano.
Though tempting I think I'd ignore her x
How about answer her with " These inaccurate accusations do not merit a response!" Then block her immediately.
You will have responded, had a little pressure release for you, and put a stop to the foolishness. Of course Steve caused it, but she must be clueless to dare insert herself into affairs that are not hers.
Time for a respite? Could any of Steve's cronies from the boating community be persuaded to invite him for an onboard visit -- since he misses them and that lifestyle so desperately? Alas, you'll be unable to accompany him, given your limited vision... Any way it plays out, at least you'll have a period of peace.
Have you told Steve about this email from the busy body? His reaction would be priceless as he probably wasn't expecting his bad mouthing of you to get back to you. Please leave, this is a terrible situation and you deserve to be happy. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
This person doesn't walk in your shoes, she has no idea how you've suffered, living with Steve. It's none of her business, anyway. Women have put up with men's shit for too long; we don't need any judgement from other women about wanting to live a peaceful life. You deserve to live a peaceful life.
I find this scary. Your husband’s behaviour is now dangerous when he starts getting people who have no knowledge of how awful your situation is, on his side. He needs to go or you do! I did wonder when you moved to the flat how long it would be before he fell out with everyone and sadly he has. Your neighbours see the good person you are so please try and get out of this situation if you can. Catriona
Have you ever heard of the term DARVO ? DARVO is an acronym that stands for deny, attack and reverse victim offender. It's a very effective tactic for a narcissist as it can confuse the hell out of their victims and can shame, sometimes even frighten them into silence.
He is exhibiting classic narcissistic/darvo behaviour, trying to isolate you from everyone, criticising the way you look, finding fault in everything you think do or say, spending your money so you have no financial freedom and playing victim by lying about you to your circle of friends. I'm sure he's probably nice to you on occasion, only to knock your spirit down again later once you've got your hopes up. That's how they operate, I know from experience & I thought it was my fault,now I know better.
Please look after yourself, keep your bank card where he can't find it & remove it from any online account so he can't spend all your money on himself anymore, make some recordings of his behaviour so you have proof & maybe even send one to his friend who emailed you because who knows what else he may be up to in the background, he could be accusing you of allsorts. He's not the man you fell in love with anymore, that man has long gone. it's only going to get worse,get your ducks in row & please protect yourself.
Maybe that woman would take Steve in an relieve you of the hassle!
People on the outside always have 20/20 vision...they think they know what's going on.
There are always two sides to every story...but that woman needs to butt out of your marriage unless she's willing to take Steve on...? I'd at least make the offer...lol
Sending you a big hug...
Donna
I agree with others, offer him up to her and before doing anything else protect yourself and your finances.
I see this as an unwinnable situation. but ..... you could maybe reduce the fall out by protecting yourself and Beano first.
I hope you can stay safe and find some peace and happiness.
JC
Refer her to this blog, tell her the date you are next out and ask her if she would come and give Steve some company at this time. Should she come, introduce her to the rest of the community and then tell her to clear off. Take great care of yourself. Pollie
What a lot of brilliant comments and advise here.
Hester, I have read your blog since you were working in that school, with those idiotic teachers and staff. You always had an answer for them back then. Didn't you have your own home then and didn't Steve move in with you and wasn't it sold to put into the boat and now this home. It appears to me, that you have put more into this marriage than he has, so why aren't you giving this interfering old bod her answer and then packing his bag and telling him to sling his hook. He isn't worth all you've given him.
You used to talk about your children with such pride back then too, has he alienated them because you rarely mention them nowadays. Take care of yourself and remember we only walk this way once, don't waste your precious time on someone who doesn't care about you
Anne x
Do NOT ignore this interfering busybody.
She needs telling in the strongest terms possible that the only side of the story she has been given is that of a man with brain damage!
She also needs to be told that neither she, or her comments are welcome, as your marriage is absolutely none of her business, and therefore she needs to keep her opinions to herself.
Don't give her any details about anything, but make it plain to her that you want no further contact with her, and if she persists in bothering you, she can expect to be hearing from your solicitor, re harassment!
Make sure to keep copies of all emails, and perhaps copy them to your daughter/sons, just to make sure you have positive proof of what has been said, and when!
Good luck! Col. X
Unfortunately anonymous is correct about DARVO, if you look up coercive control Steve shows some classic signs and this is yet another, putting you down to people you both know. I would not play his game and reply as this will cause more arguments. If you need free advice, get in touch with your counties domestic abuse department. They can give you free confidential advice. You are worth more than you are currently having to put up with. You have written he has health issues but this is not acceptable.
Heather
In reply to annon who mentioned Darvo i dont know if that has helped hester i cant speak for her but its certainly helped me thankyou
Please don't carry on seething, do something about your situation and get the hell out of it.
Hester it's now not enough for Steve to treat you like garbage. It's not enough to tell you your ugly,old,stupid,can't cook and have no value. It's not enough to bully you in your own home. It's not enough to steal money from you.
Now he is trying to make sure you have no friends,no joy at all in your life.
To make sure he has total control of you.
Now he's gone out and recruited other people
to abuse you too.
I understand this is a man your married to.
It's hard when you've been married to someone and loved them many years.
It's not something you toss aside easily.
But what this man is doing is shows no respect for you at all. No love at all.
He eats garbage,spends every penny he gets his hands for alcohol,clothes for himself.
Does not have a kind word for his wife,ever.
I would give that lady's email address to your blog friends and all the people in your apartment complex and have them reply.
I also wouldn't take one more day of his shit.
He is a narcissist. It will not improve.
He sees nothing but his own reflection.
I also would not go to his friends wedding.
Keep preparing to get away from him.
Put away every penny you can.
See if your children can help you in any way.
See if they can set up a go fund me account
to help you get away from this abusive man.
You'd be surprised how many people would
help you.
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