Actually let's not, please.
We had a visit from two ladies from the Stroke Association, it was the local 'visitor' who is a lady in her 60's and her young go-getter of a boss. The local visitor was being assessed.
They have a set list of topics they must cover and all went well until we came to the topic of relationships and how they can be changed when a spouse suddenly become a carer. I admitted that it had been difficult at first but it was getting easier with time.
Then with a strangled sniff the local visitor brought up the topic of our intimate relations. We were now an hour into their visit and CHS was tired. I could tell by the look of blank incomprehension on his face he had no idea what she was talking about.
I answered for him and said 'It's a bit sporadic but we are managing ok' there was a pause and the in response to a nudge from her boss the local visitor said in a strangled voice, that sometimes changes in position could benefit and that there was a leaflet available if we wanted a copy.
I felt so sorry for the visitor who was obviously uncomfortable and being pushed into this conversation by her boss that I retorted.
'It is ok, I get on top to save him moving about and if I need inspiration I'll borrow a copy of the Karma Sutra from the library!'
I realise that they are damned if they do and damned if they don't discuss sex, but surely a discrete mention of leaflets being available if needed, would have sufficed.
21 comments:
Why come on here and humiliate them ?maybe she knew about your sordid past and thought sex was important to you ?
You do get some cracking comments, don't you? Please don't let them deter you speaking freely. You need to let off steam in a safe space and other people who find themselves in your position need to know the strange oddities that no-one is prepared for. Hugs x
People are funny about sex, no matter what their ages. It is a big deal, when one of a partnership suddenly has limitations, but people work around all sorts. I think that yes, you either leave a discreet leaflet or tackle it head on, as it were.
I hope her 'boss' was supportive. It's part of training, I suppose, tackling subjects that you don't feel comfortable about. I'm sure after a few months she will be shocked by nothing.
My mother (after an extremely bitter divorce) told me to take Playboy mags into my father after his stroke. I looked her dead in the eye and told her that I could if she thought the nurses wouldn't mind (I was early twenties and I could have been a lot more explicit). She blinked first.
Sending good vibes x
Lol, yes lovely comments, and by people who haven't mastered punctuation or capital letters yet and who hide behind anonymity, bullies are always cowards!
Being in a similar situation but on the other side so to speak in that I fear I would die from not being able to breathe! No-one has asked me about our sex life. Anonymous had me in stitches. As do you frequently. But a great response Hester..x
Poor you Jill, not being able to breathe must be scary.
I don't think you "humiliated them". You said in the post you felt sorry for the one who had to ask the questions. It's often a no-win situation ; if they don't ask/offer help they are perceived as unhelpful, yet there is never an easy way to ask such intimate questions I offensively. My friend was with her 92yr old dad when he was having an assessment. She said the young nurse was doing fine, then suddenly appeared edgy and uncomfortable "I don't know how to ask your father this next question". It was whether he had ever had any unmet transgender issues. My friend smiled, and said she'd do it. "Dad do you consider yourself a man?" "Have you always considered yourself a man?" "Have you ever wanted to be a woman?" "there you are, job done!" sometimes gentle humour is the kindest route. There is so much more to love and relationships than sex.
Thank you Ang, I didn't feel I had humiliated them either, I sent an email thanking them for their visit and saying how much I appreciated the kindness the local visitor had shown me when we'd met previously whilst hubby was in hospital.
I would think coming across a carer who has a sense if humour like yours especially having gone through everything you have, is an absolute treat for the care advisors.
Well done Hester.
My sense of humour definitely disappeared for a while, but it is resurfacing now.
Good answer. I bet they were a bit set off. I do think that I would have skipped that questions or statement if I was them but who knows. You are on your toes. Keep smiling and hang in there. You are amazing.
im so glad that weve never had that visit it would have set other half off on mission embaress with a gleam in his eye. The only time anyone has ever mentioned the matter in our long journey it was an elderley private consultant at the spinal unit , we just looked at each other cracked up laughing and he said I gather thats a no then .
It was good that they raised the subject - at least people don't assume that older people no longer have sex. They could (and should) have some training on how to approach this specific topic though... even simple techniques such as the one used buy the nurse Angela encountered would make it easy "I'm not sure how to approach this next subject", or "I feel a bit awkward asking this, but..."
Regarding anonymous comments, are you able to disable commenting by anonymous posters?
Cats, I was concerned that the local visitor was being assessed and felt she had to ask the question.
Well at least someone asked Kate.
Witch Hazel, yes I'm glad they no longer assume everyone stops having sex at 30.
As for the spiteful anonymous comment, I can and will block them if they get too tedious, but at the moment I'm of the opinion that whilst they are picking on me they are giving some other poor bugger a break.
I suspect the local visitor has the experience and sensitivity to be able to tell whether it was a good time to introduce the topic or if it was at all appropriate, and the young supervisor doesn't have a clue so expected that box to be checked regardless. But you're used to that.
I was once asked about my Mum's sexual preferences by one of her carers who had to do an assessment. Bear in mind that Mum was 84, was in a secure unit in a nursing home and had advanced dementia. I must have looked incredulous until she added, I meant such as does she prefer wearing skirts or trousers?. Who makes up these questions? Never was asked it again.
This made me laugh. My Dad was being treated for Prostate Cancer, when he was asked about his sex life.Both my parents laughed when the male nurse asked how their sex life was and did they need any help or advice.
My Dad asked for some Viagra, as he wanted to keep practicing until he'd got it right! He said my Mum's face was a picture as she told him that after 4 kids, she could assure him that he had got it right!
Perhaps Anonymous is jealous that you got asked! Perhaps she, he or it, has never been asked, either by medics or another human being. If you find out who it is, sent them some literature, with pictures if it would help!!! Maybe then they'll crawl back into their sanctimonious little hole and stay there, instead of making snide remarks that they have to hide behind by signing themselves "anonymous"
Kim
10 January 2019 at 05:01 Delete
Miriam, sometimes I think world has gone mad.
Oh Kim, that made me laugh
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