Today we have a visit from a new therapist, she looks 12 years old and isn't married, so obviously she is the best person to tell me I'm doing everything wrong.
I'm not supportive enough, I don't understand how frustrated CHS is, I need to listen to him more.
For example when we are out in the car and he asks me to slow down I must do so, if he feels the need to read the road signs I need to slow down to enable this.
He couldn't read the road signs before he had his stroke and I can't slow down on the motorway just so he can read the fecking signs.
I need to consider his feelings more.
So when he wakes in the night, scared he is going to have another stroke, who wakes up and makes him a cuppa and talks soothingly to him until he drops off again?
I need to find ways of making his meals more palatable without salt and if he doesn't like herbs then I need to try harder.
I need to take him out for outings at night despite not being and to see, as he doesn't watch tv and it's not good for him to just read or play solitaire.
Sorry this is a bit disjointed, but it was either sit in the car and type this or brain the bloody therapist!!
33 comments:
Oh for an ideal world where this would happen just like she expects it to!
How lovely that YOUR needs are completely immaterial. Apparently now you’re just a caregiver. 😾 or possibly you’re meant to be a doormat.
I am sure you are taking good care of C but that doesn’t mean everything will be perfect nor exactly to his liking, if such a thing is even possible. I hate having to deal with clueless young unmarried childless college grads giving advice. I’d be cross, too!
I agree with everything Annie says so have nothing to add except take a deep breath and then take no notice.
faced with a choice like that .... brain the therapist, every time!
;)
W
I think I’d brain her too. Has she ever tried looking after someone 24/7 365 days a year, I think not.
I'm the first to admit I get exasperated when I lay the table and he moves everything a millimeter or two, when I hang the washing on the airer and he re-hangs it all, when he keeps checking the fire I've just lit. I don't snap at him I just ignore it, but to be told I'm not doing enough and what I am doing is wrong really pissed me off.
I'm afraid I would have brained her. Looking after someone for 24 hrs 7 days a week is mentally and physically exhausting. Let alone worrying about your husbands health. In a perfect world she would change places with you and spend just a month looking after him. She might then have some idea.
Reminds me of the midwife many years ago after I gave birth to my fourth child telling me the biggest load of rubbish. Needless to say she was about 12 and had not had a child. So you have my full sympathy. Some part of training is missing dont you think.
What a cheek! You should have suggested that as she is such an expert she could stay with CHS for a week while you go for training. ie: a break. Having looked after a husband post stroke, I think you are doing really well.
Hello Hester, I'm a "carer" although I detest that word when I'm in fact a Wife. Now husband has dementia it seems my role has changed. Of course the professionals will know better than us mere wives, after all we've only been married to them for years! However I haven't come up against a therapist as bad as your husbands, it sounds like she's way out of line and trying to assert her authority and I'd be inclined to speak to her superior and say you feel uncomfortable about the way she demeans you.
Exasperation - yes I know that well, especially after having been up with husband in the night. Tiredness can make the most saintly of people exasperated.
Are you able to give your husband the jobs of laying the table and hanging washing on the airer and leave him to do it by himself?
Heater
She's just treated you with absolutely no respect or consideration - make a complaint and report the jumped up little madam - she needs taking down a peg or two - take no notice of what she's said - like all other carers out there, you're doing a difficult role brilliantly xx
Blooming Prescriptive text - that should have said Hester ☺☺ xx
When I see professional people they will go through what I am/am not physically capable of, but never ask me how I am feeling myself nor how I'm coping with my disability and they always ask my husband how he is coping and that he must have time for himself etc etc, which he does have as he can go out whenever he wants to. He's not tied to me or the house as you are. My husband seems to get more sympathy and understanding than I do. I think we should swop therapists, lol.
I’d have brained her! Hugs x
Such a very professional professional is supposed to put you in touch with some caregiver support groups or systems - sounds like she came up zippo with that. How frustrating for you. She's supposed to understand what you are going through as well and be there with help for you and an attagirl and good word of encouragement for you as well as for your husband - that's her job.
Joan and Hester, I think the key here is the sex of the carer - men who care are seen as somehow more deserving of praise and help. My husband has been diagnosed with lymphoma and I'm finding it exhausting keeping him on an even keel so how I'm sure you must be very tired Hester.
Sending lots of hugs and good vibes. CHS is lucky to have you. It is so hard to keep going and when you get an earful of rubbish like that, it's like sandpaper on your nerves. Don't forget to look after you.
Who cares for the carer? Patient and carer both have needs. What a ridiculous attitude. I hope things get better soon.
Ask her if he can stay with her for awhile? You must try harder or you will be having a stroke yourself.
brain her, report her and ignore her..there is no job harder than caring for a loved one...they want 100% of your time...
Oh for pete's sake (never have known who Pete is...). I would really consider 'giving feedback so that she can grow and develop in her professional capacity". LOL - corporate speak for letting someone know she needs a lot more training before she's put out into the real world and does more harm than good. I am intrigued by the fact that you are to do more to take him out more at night. That just reading or playing solitaire isn't enough. Sheesh - that describes most of life before radio, tv's and all these "communication devices".
As for brain the therapist - while totally justified it would put you in the Hoosgow (old US term for jail) and then you couldn't post and I would miss that a lot. (selfish I know but there it is). Mary
This is totally unacceptable and very unprofessional.
Print out what you have written and send it to the head of whatever service she works for. Perhaps make a few teaks to incorporate some of the great comments above.
- Sarah
She certainly sounded full of herself with all her 'book' learning. Hope you talk to her supervisor and get someone that doesn't come in and waste your time and upsetting the apple cart.
I hope today is a better day. Being the carer, plus close quarters, makes it exceptionally difficult. That girl has a lot to learn, let's hope she goes somewhere else to practice.
Welcome to the world of caring , theres quite a few like the annoying little madam you had a visit from. I think youre at the hardest point right now , when you become the invisable carer , rather than just their partner. But there are good folks as well who can give practical advice rather than quoting from some textbook theyve recently read. Then theres the lack of sleep problem, dont know about you, but im evil when we hit a no sleep phase ..lol
Ignore her and just get on with what you are doing. Many years ago when I was a therapist I had the misfortune to deal with the sort you met. Get this, she decided that the father of a severely disabled girl was abusing her because he was changing her sanitary towels!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was a devoted father and as I pointed out who was going to do that personal chore for her, she could not manage it. Head in the clouds full of crap and not looking at the larger picture. The only thing that might cheer you up, after meeting some of the feisty patients we had who told her to . . . she got the message and grew up pretty quickly. You are doing just fine and you must make time for yourself or you will burn out. I wish you would report her, she needs to stop making these stupid suggestions and take the carers role more seriously. Love Andie xxx
I've had a social worker recommend nursing care homes when my husband had his hip replaced and wanted a week of rehabilitation before he came home....the ones she suggested were HORRENDOUS and I told her so...I told her I wouldn't put my DOGS there...my husband said I was a bit harsh..my reply was that they shouldn't be suggesting these crap places.
Stand your ground...or maybe she'd like to stay with him for 24-36 hours while you take a break???
I am calling BS on you having to slow down so a brain injured person can read road signs. Since my hubs has had a stroke I have discovered caregiver burnout is real. Slowing down to read signs puts the burden on you....he can close his eyes as he is not driving. It is about him letting go of his controlling BS feelings and allowing you to chose what is best for both of you. Not making sure he comes first.
barb
Not much I can add here Hester - but by golly there is some good advice - better than what you seem to have got from the 'professional'.
Well said ANNIE! And yes, I'd have brained her too! How dare she! Please take care of yourself - you will need to be a bit selfish now and again in order to survive!
Hey Hester, I have nothing to offer about the therapist other than give her manager feed back on her talk with you. but what I can say is, can your husband eat celery or dill? both of these items taste of salt if dried and you can add it to dishes as they are cooking. worth a try. You best ask the dr though as celery has an effect on high blood pressure by lowering it, so it could be dangerous if on blood pressure tablets. and also if she is so keen on you changing diet, why havent they given you a sheet or directed you to a website for this....?
Oh my!!! I wouldn't have the patience to listen to all that drivel without answering back. She certainly does need more training and one wonders whether, even with more training, she would ever be the right sort of person to be working in a 'caring' capacity. She sounds naive and insensitive to me.
Please report back to her superior and save her from taking this attitude with others in your position.
Who did she think she was, a guest in your home and behaving like a dictator. I think that I would have shown her the bloody door.
My friend a nurse in her late forties had a stroke which has effectively left her with a paralyzed arm was told by her therapist that getting back to work would cure her depression. She was shown the front door very sharpish.
A nurse my self I feel some of these people particularly the new young university trained ones need some life training as well. They have no experience of life in any form.
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