I know I'm sliding towards depression which is why I made an appointment see a counsellor.
After my appointment I realised that she couldn't help, I know what I need but unfortunately it isn't available. I'm only one of thousands of people in the same position.
One of the things the counsellor asked me to do was say the first three words that popped into my head about my childhood. I couldn't think of three, when I did say that one of my most abiding memories of my childhood was being cold. She immediately leapt to the conclusion that I meant emotionally cold. No, it was the 1950's in Lincolnshire, it was fecking freezing, ice on the inside of the windows, a coal fire in the back room and an outside toilet. We didn't have much money and my mum was young and had very few housewifely skills. The wind blew straight across the fens, my dad always swore the wind came straight from Siberia.
I realise the counsellor is running a business but I don't think spending £50 a week for 12 weeks to sit in her shed and sob would achieve anything.
I have noticed I'm losing my marbles or to be more accurate my cognitive ability is failing. I cannot retain information as I used to. This could be caused by isolation but equally could be caused by stress. I find Steve's constant fretting and micro management stressful. For example I made lamb casserole for tea tonight. I used the leftovers from the Sunday roast. I like my casseroles cooked low and slow, but every two or three minutes Steve kept saying that it was burning or would dry out. He cannot cook but seems to think I can't either. He cannot relax and so everything, every day has to be obsessed over in forensic detail.
I don't think the anonymous comment about counting my blessings was meant to be helpful. I assumed it was just another piece of self satisfied twaddle
Steve had a visitor yesterday which was nice for him, they sat on the back deck discussing fishing, motorbike racing and why the satellite has stopped working.
I cannot expect any help from my children, DS1 lives and works in London, DS2 works shifts, DD1 now has six children, two of her own and four fostered, this means endless meetings with social services and picking up the slack when they don't deliver. DD2 is now a single mum of four, she works in a school with 80% BAME, they have covid in the school.
I miss baking for stroke club, I enjoy making cakes but Steve doesn't eat cake.
I miss sewing by hand, I may be able to use my sewing machine over the winter if we stay in one place for a while.
Staying in one place won't help my social life as the things I used to do have been closed down.