Today was emotional and exhausting, it was Steve's medical incapacity dismissal meeting.
Present at the meeting were three trustees, an external HR expert, the works HR officer, Steve's line manager, Steve and myself.
The meeting took about an hour, the panel can make one of three decisions.
We will be informed of the decision in writing within five working days.
Today we received the decision, Steve has been dismissed on medical incapacity grounds.
Taken all round it's the best decision we could expect.
We can now move forwards, Steve will probably need to sign on, we will look into the next steps.
Steve has been irascible and short tempered. I'm getting shouted at regularly. He has also started talking to himself, which wouldn't normally matter but it is a non-stop litany of complaints about everything I do and say!
23 comments:
Can't offer any advice - just sending love, prayers and a hug in a difficult time x
You need help for you, you are is support person there is no way you should put up with this. Please look after you stand up and let him know what he is doing a sharp reality check just might make him think. Kindest regards
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My father in law suffered from dementia - or, more accurately actually, my mother in law suffered from my father in law's dementia - and it was awful. I know Steve's illness isn't dementia, but the effects sound very similar. I think you are amazing.
Thank you Beacee and Witch Hazel.
Robyn, there is no support for me or others in my situation, Steve is in a permanent state of confusion and anxiety, he lashes out because he is scared and has no control.
I have spoken to his therapist Who says he need to let off steam and I need to be tolerant and understanding!
I'm lucky that he only lashes out verbally, not physically.
I am so sorry that Steve has been dismissed, but as you say it was the best you could hope for under the circumstances. I know where you are coming from with his behaviour, he is frightened and takes it out on you. As long as it does not end as physical violence.
Do you have Help for Carers where you are, they can help you apply for various benefits you could be entitled to. Are you not able to apply for Attendance Allowence or PIP? I should add the therapist needs to put them selves in your place. Under the circumstances you are being more than tolerant and understanding.
Take care.
Anne.
My Dr's surgery sends out a monthly email aimed at carers, unfortunately everything is at least an hour away from me.
I will look into what we can claim, I've had to wait until his dismissal was formalised before I could make a start.
I want to give you a hug. I feel for you. Is there a group where, for a whole day each week,he could go away from you and with other folk in his situation?
You deserve at least a day a week respite and it might even help him/his behaviour!
Surely, it would help you. That is even it is only just a few hours break each week.
Thinking of your struggles and want to let you know that I think you are strong and courageous for doing all you can for Steve. Hope you can claim some assistance now that you have a formal dismissal. One day at a time. My empty words do nothing to give you relief but I do admire you for not giving up.
I can’t offer help, only virtual love and hugs in abundance. Stay strong and love yourself xx
Oh my love x hopefully now it’s’official’ you will be able to gain access to additional support, check in with Citizens advice and age UK, you sound like you are already looking into benefits, what carer allowances might you now be entitled to? I know money is hollow, but it might buy you some respite, did you check out men in sheds now you might be a little more settled for the winter x Islandmaid
Steve currently attends a stroke club once a week from 10.30 until 2. I'm not sure how much longer I can persuade him to attend. I go with him every other week and cook lunch for them.
Island Maid. There is a Man Shed not far from us but Steve refuses to go!
I live in Scotland things are different here so not sure I can be of help. I have a social worker who arranges my social care, I get washed etc . Also we have respite care offered to give the DP, my carer, respite. Might be worth checking it out. x
Oh sweet like other readers of your blog, I feel your frustration. As I'm in New Zealand can't offer any advice other look after yourself, keep your children in the loop,so all are aware of the situation and its fluctuations. Though I'm sure you do. Kia kaha ( it means be strong/ strength to you) love Fiona
It's a hard job being a carer Hester isn't it? We didn't apply for the job but we've somehow got it, a job with no pay, no holidays, a 24 hour a day job. In my case there's no respite whatsoever, despite at the diagnosis appointment being told "there'll be lots of support for both of you" there is absolutely nothing.
Regarding some of the other comments, I can only say if you've not been a carer yourself then really you haven't a clue about the reality of the situation. A carer of someone with mental or physical problems (my husband has both) cannot simply pack a bag and disappear to a hotel, telling nobody where they were or what they were doing! My husband is totally incapable of caring for himself, mentally or physically and is wholly dependant on me. The idea of opting out and abandoning him might sound feasible to some, the reality is that he is unable to function in any way on his own - so I'd just leave him to die? Starve to death in the midst of his own mess?
I'm just fed up of people thinking that we can jaunt off on a respite break when we want, they don't know the reality of being on call for 24 ours a day and living in the upheaval, mess and stress, emotional and physical toil of being a full time carer. Without any support from anyone. The social care in my part of this country is rubbish and there isn't anything in the budget for respite as it's been allocated elsewhere.
Sorry for the rant Hester, I hope you're able to get the help you need. My husband has Attendance Allowance but as I'm past retirement age and getting the state pension I'm not able to claim Carers Allowance or anything else at all. As I said - an unpaid job. As your husband is no longer medically fit to work perhaps he could claim Incapacity benefit and attendance allowance.
Every best wish, Pat.
Caring for an ill spouse is difficult but necessary. They usually can't help how they react. Been there!!
When my brother was ill my sister got help from Cheshire Homes. A gentleman came I think once a week and sat with him for a couple of hours. It gave her a break and also my brother got to chat with someone else.
Also I used to look after my gran from the age of 16 while my parents went on holiday. Later my daughter did the same for me.
Could you possibly get someone from your local Man Shed to come and have a chat to Steve? Maybe if he actually spoke with them, found out properly what was involved, he might just go there once, just to see what it was like? He might actually like it?
I'm actually relieved for you that he's been dismissed on medical grounds, that should make it a bit easier when claiming benefits, as he's quite clearly been found unable to work. If his employers didn't offer him any other posts, they're more or less stating that he's unfit to do any job, so make sure you keep mentioning that on forms and at interviews.
As he is genuinely not physically/mentally able to work, he should be on benefits, not having to sign on with all the stress that goes alongside it! Surely they couldn't expect Steve to look for jobs, apply for at least two or three per week, attend bi-weekly interviews and explain why he hasn’t been offered a job yet? However, if he's never claimed unemployment benefit, he would be entitled to contribution based payments for about six months or so, and that, in effect, is only claiming back some of what he's paid in over his years of working!
Make an appointment for you to see your Dr, not for Steve, for you. Tell them how it's affecting you, both mentally and physically, ask if there is any sort of respite care available, either during the day or residential for a few days at a time.
I cared for my mum for six long, hard years, and it damn near destroyed me, and I had my husband taking som of the load off my shoulders, so I can only imagine what you're going through.
When people suggest just walking away it's because they have no idea at all what it's like to have someone totally dependent on you, I'm an only child, and friends of mine who have siblings used to ask why we didn't just go away for a week and leave her to cope. Exactly who did they think was going to be there to get her up, shower her, dress her, make her breakfast, lunch etc.
All I can say is that lots of us are thinking of you and are there in spirit, holding you up. So, pull up your big girl knickers, grit your teeth, and start fighting for whatever help or assistance you can get. Vent on your blog as often as you need, we'll be here!
Yes, I think some people don't get that reality checks and sharp talking-to's don't apply when someone has no longer got control of their emotions and reactions, in fact, it will escalate the feelings of being out of control and scared. Any form of respite care, even if it's just for an hour or two (often that's all volunteers can stand!) can help if it's available, but without neighbors to "sit" with him, that's tough. Just want to mention that my brother talks to himself too, and even if it's not about me or angry, it really bothers me. Even when we're not in the same room I can hear him and even though we're not interacting, it's like you can never have a quiet relaxed moment to yourself. It's really intrusive in an odd way.
My partner had a ‘big’ stroke 2 years ago... changed him mentally and damaged his arm... but he was able to move forward and just luck that he owns his own business so was able to work which was a godsend for his (and my!) sanity.... move forward to a June this year and he had a ‘small’ TIA. No physical ‘damage’ but his personality and mental health suffered tremendously. Left him an angry, sad, sorrowful, selfish man. Our life changed overnight. There is no help. His confidence was at an all time low and his anger was massive. It’s hard to renember that basically they’ve just had an explosion in the brain. Especially when they’re anger is directed at you for no reason. He is very lucky to have staff left and after telling one of them (over a very simple mistake) that he would break both his legs in colourful terms he is also lucky not to have a police record... (there’s been various other explosions too...) or be back in hospital himself! He can’t see he’s doing anything wrong after this behaviour. In the end I dragged him to GP and suggested that they put him on anti-depressants as well as his other many meds. It’s made a massive difference. Mirtazipine. He’s almost back to his pre-‘big’ stroke self! I so feel for you. Life is shit and there’s nothing that can be done. Try all you can Hester and I know you’ll hang in there. Keep your chin up. Huge hugs x
A little late in posting this, but sending you all my best thoughts and wishes. After my partner's stroke earlier this year, I am his sole "carer" of sorts, he is managing day to day for himself because I have to go to work, but he wouldn't manage living on his own and I can't contemplate leaving him overnight. He has a disability now, but it isn't obvious to others.
Personality change is a big thing and some aspects of problem-solving just don't work in his brain anymore, social cues don't work properly either. So easy to get frustrated, I am a very patient person, but I know life is not the same as it was.
What I do now is talk about my experience of post-stroke personality change in a partner openly, because it is the one practical step I can take to help others who find themselves in this situation, no point glossing over the tricky bits.
Bit late with this but because he was in work, he should be able to claim ESA which is basically jobseekers but with an extra amount for being on the sick. Don't claim UC for him first,claim this one.
He's put on it for 13 weeks and after 13 weeks he'll be in the support group [ or he should be if you can keep getting him signed off for a few months]. After a bit, they tell you you don't need to send sick notes any more.
|Go to turn to us website to see what you could claim, also look at the section called grants or something like that, if steve fits any of the criteria he could apply for those.
taff x
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