Tippity tap, tippity tap.

Ye gods!

Steve has developed tippity tapinitis.

He sits and taps his feet continuously all evening. I'm ready to nail his feet to the floor with ten inch nails.

I'm still waiting to have my moving date confirmed, estate agents, mortgage advisors and solicitors all seem to take their time. All I can do is keep buggering on, it will happen eventually.

I've purchased an assortment of items ready for when I move, just small things, a potato peeler and a tin opener etc.

I'm slowly collecting items from around the flat and stashing them in the bag in my wardrobe. I'm also ordering some tinned food and dried pulses with the weekly supermarket delivery, these are also hidden in my wardrobe. I do pay for my shopping so I'm not expecting Steve to pay for them.

I will change supermarkets when I move so Steve won't have my new address and as it will be near Christmas I may not be able to get a delivery immediately. This is why I'm stocking up now. There is a local milkman who delivers to the area so I can order stuff from him.

I don't think there is a cooker there either of that is so I will buy an air fryer and a stand alone single ring to  cook on.

More shopping.

My son has dropped the furniture he's giving me at my daughter's house. This means I now know what size bed I have, a standard double, so I've ordered bedding for it.

Steve went out this morning and didn't get back until 4:30, he rushed straight over to the summer house to ensure I hadn't had too much fun in his absence.

I went over at 3 o'clock and left just before Steve arrived back, I usually only stay for a very short time as, when Steve is there I can't talk to anybody as he talks over me. It was so nice to chat to people, I don't cope well with isolation. 

I've not been feeling very well for the last week or so but there are a few social activities I can join in with when I move. I think it will do me good moving to somewhere where I can have some sort of social life.

Some in some out.

This morning I visited a local  charity shop, I was surprised that Steve let me go on my own.

I took some clothes that I no longer wear and bought some things for when I move.

I bought a craft kit of crochet Christmas baubles on a string, I also bought a bag of assorted baubles in an mixture of colours. I bought a black dress to wear to Betty's funeral, a set of four table mats, three dessert spoons and two china tea plates.

Steve has agreed that I can take half the cutlery and crockery etc but we only have three tea plates and  three dessert spoons so I bought some extra.

When I returned home Steve was stood with Beano waiting for me at the bus stop. He wasn't happy that I'd taken so long, nemmind!

Random ramblings

As I was walking Beano through the park y'day I noticed the ground was littered with twigs and branches that had blown from the trees.

When we lived on the boat we had a wood burning stove to heat it. When I walked Beano I used to collect the twigs as kindling and the bigger branches to use as fuel. Upon my return towards the our boat I would look for boat where there was already wood stacked for fuel and leave what I had collected beside that boat. There was no point me taking it to our boat as Steve refused to use collected wood in our wood burner, he considered it to be dirty and would only use wood he had purchased from a marina!

I keep seeing adverts for dog beds, all sorts of dog beds and occasionally I am tempted to buy one. Then I look at Beano, he is either asleep beside me on the sofa or if I'm in bed he's asleep on the pillow. There would be little point in buying him  a bed. I am however considering buying him a set of steps to enable him to get on the sofa and bed as he's getting older now an less nimble.

Having said that, its cold this morning and everywhere is white with frost. Beano loves frosty mornings and so we had a double length walk at double quick speed, we galloped along the whole way round.

Parsnips at last.

During the summer I have a salad for lunch most days, during the winter I prefer soup, home made soup. 

Sometimes I make soup to a specific recipe sometimes I make fridge debris soup. For the last three weeks I've had a yearning for some curried parsnip soup.

For the last three weeks I've added parsnips to our supermarket delivery, unfortunately for two weeks no parsnips arrived.

I just assumed they'd been missed that is until Thursday when out supermarket delivery arrived. I was in the kitchen putting some of it away when Steve walked in grimacing and waving a bag of parsnips.

He's noticed them on the previous orders and cancelled them as he does eat vegetables and so couldn't understand why I'd buy them. I explained my yearning for curried parsnips soup Steve pulled a face and announced that I should have bought tinned parsnips soup rather than waste time making it.

And that attitude is just one of the reasons I'm leaving!

My head is spinning.

Birthday lunch today with my oldest daughter and youngest son. 

My daughter is a powerhouse!

No sooner had I told her that I was struggling to cope with Steve's behaviour than she has organised a solution. She is buying a bungalow in her village, it's in a small group of five clustered together. She made cakes and took them to my prospective neighbours and told them I'm moving in with a small, quiet dog. 

She's arranged a work party amongst her friends to clean the bungalow and mow the lawn front and back as the place has been empty for a while.

She has also arranged visits from a decorator and a gardener to quote for any work I want doing.

My youngest son is moving soon and is giving his furniture and white goods to me.  This means I will have very little to buy when I move in.

I had decided to manage with the bare minimum as I didn't want to cause any added expense and then expect my daughter to pay for stuff.

She has told her children that I'm moving to.her village and the older ones are clamouring to visit on a regular basis, I'll stock up on juice and snacks.

I could jump for joy, I'm blown away by her kindness.

Twitchy.

Steve is very twitchy and suspicious, this morning the supermarket delivery wasn't showing on the app, he seemed to think I might have cancelled it.

He hasn't noticed the bags I've packed, they are hidden in my wardrobe.

Out with Cass tomorrow, it will be great to get off site, I'm going a bit stir crazy and just keep thinking/hoping "not long now". Hopefully there may be some more information about my Where Next.

Storage bags

The storage bags I bought are huge, so far I have filled one with my summer clothes, a duvet and some spare bedding. 

I've started filling the second bag with the contents of one of the kitchen cupboards, mainly plastic boxes and bakeware. I also have a small stash of tinned food, sardines, mackerel and tuna. I like to keep my food cupboard well stocked in case of emergencies, I'm not talking about an apocalypse, just a day when I don't want to go out or something similar. I always used to do this but Steve won't hear of it, he likes to keep the bare minimum in stock for food. Beer is different, he keeps six boxes in stock, each box contains 18 cans. Mind you, this is only a week's supply.

The crochet blanket I made is on my bed, between the top sheet and the duvet, that way it stops Beano catching his claws in it. It's keeping me very warm, I still wake up during the night but I wake up warm, not cold, so it's easier to drop off again.

A little spending spree

I went through the kitchen drawer and decided to treat myself. 

I ordered a potato masher, potato peeler and 3 wooden spoons.

I have a drawer full of other stuff that Steve will never use, measuring spoons, cookie cutters,  etc. All of these I shall take with me when I move. But I will leave the equipment that Steve will use.

The cupboard under this drawer is full of cooking equipment, there is a small food processor and a hand mixer, mixing bowls, cake tins and plastic storage boxes, these I will also take. I'm hoping to start cooking and baking again when I move.

I've ordered a pack of large storage bags,they should arrive today, I shall start filling them and stash them in my wardrobe.

Steve has stopped me doing many things that I enjoyed cooking and baking, socialising and leaving site to name but a few. He likes me in the flat watching TV and that's it, unfortunately I can't watch TV for long before my eyes get sore and we have so few channels, there is very little on that I want to watch.

Finished blanket.

The finished blanket is very heavy and should make a nice warm cover on cold nights.

Unfortunately I'm now bored out of my brains and need to find something else to do.

A message for Cindy

 Hi Cindy, I'll let you know as soon as I know.

One tin at a time.

Y'day I shopped in Dunelm I bought a tin opener, two pillows, a Christmas bauble and a mattress protector, a thick one that I can sleep on, in case I move before I've got any furniture. Any furniture I buy will be second hand, there are a couple of charity shops that sell furniture that I will visit, but I need to know where I'm going first.

I'm desperate to leave here so I will move as soon as I can even if it means having no furniture to start with. Apart from Beano and my personal effects all I'm taking from here is a mirror, coffee table and bedside cabinet.

I'm also stocking up with tinned food, every week I order one or two tins of food with our supermarket delivery. I have plenty of pasta, rice, pulses, oats, herbs and spices. I will organise a supermarket delivery when I move but I'm not sure how long it will take for me to arrange an internet connection.

Gout!

I'm suffering from gout, it's something that flares up now and again.

It's painful and inconvenient and it's made worse by Steve  regularly shouting at me about it.

Steve can't bear anyone to be ill or in pain as it detracts from his need to be the centre of attention.

He keeps telling me to go to the Dr, I did when I first started getting gout. The Dr said that gout was self limiting and to take paracetamol if I found it painful.

Obviously Steve also developed gout short!y after I did, he also went to the Dr, he was given medication for the gout and  co-codamol for the pain!

Keeping busy.

 I'm keeping busy by making a crochet blanket, I'm using the yarn I purchased at the Jumble Sale for 50p. So far I've used less than half the yarn. The blanket may be ugly but it will be warm, I'm going to back it with a flannelette sheet.

Fireworks.

Beano couldn't settle y'day evening, there were fireworks being set off and they were bothering him. He kept pacing, whimpering and looking towards the window every time there was another flash or bang.

He's never bothered about fireworks before but he definitely seemed unsettled. 

There have been fireworks going off for some time round here staring with Diwali on 20th October. Beano took no notice of them or the fireworks this evening. I wonder what it was about y'days fireworks that upset him.

When I returned from walking him this morning a neighbour was packing her car. I stopped to chat to her as she had her two dogs with her and Beano likes both of them. She told me they were going to Bournemouth for a week to get away from the fireworks. Don't they have fireworks in Bournemouth?

Blanket

Its been noisy here today, Betty's family have been making a start on clearing her flat so there has been a lot of banging and crashing. I know Betty kept a lot of cash in her flat so they were probably looking for that.

I went to the summer house this afternoon, Steve was out which means I get chance to talk to people. Unfortunately Steve arrived back in site whilst I was still chatting to the neighbours so he's now sulking, still it means it's quiet!

I've made a  start on turning the yarn scraps into a blanket, a lot of the yarn is very thin, probably 3 ply. Because of this I'm doubling the yarn as I work so it should be warm and it's growing quickly. There is a lot of white yarn so I'm using one strand of white and one strand of colour, it won't be a pretty blanket but it will definitely be warm.

I might back it with a brushed cotton sheet to stop any cold draughts creeping in.

Betty.

My lovely friend and neighbour Betty who was so kind to me and who took me out despite being shouted at by Steve has died this morning.

I have lit a candle for her.

Spending spree.

I went to a table top sale yesterday and I spent £5, I had a great time.

What did I buy?

A little knitted neckerchief, £3, it's very soft, not itchy and keeps my neck warm. This was brand new, knitted by the stallholder they were available in an assortment of colours. I chose one in dark dusty pink.

A small white milk jug 50p

Two large plastic cereal containers, 50p each

Two bags of wool scraps, 50p for the two of them.

The jug and the cereal containers will be useful when I move, the wool scraps will be made in to a crochet lap blanket.

Baking cupboard

I have a cupboard in the kitchen full of stuff like baking trays, mixing bowls, my food processor and mixer. I no longer use these, I enjoy cooking, I used to cook for the 30 people who went to Stroke Club when Steve was attending. I enjoyed it far too much so Steve stopped going and we moved the boat further away so I was unable to go.

When we moved here I joined the lunch club, we took it in turns to cook, there were about eight of us. This also didn't suit Steve so he started arguing with everyone and it closed down and then moved to someone's flat. I no longer go as Steve would create ructions if I did.

I stopped cooking for Steve when we left the boat, he hates my cooking, says it's shite. I did eventually start cooking Sunday lunch as I got fed up with it not being ready until late in the evening and Steve sobbing in the kitchen.

Steve recently came home from the Drs claiming the Dr had said I needed to start cooking proper meals again. I told Steve that the Dr was welcome to come and cook for Steve.

Walk a mile in my shoes.

Everything here is at standstill, I'm waiting for news about my new accommodation. These things take time and I need to be patient.

 I'm going back to the audiologist tomorrow as my aids are shrieking and whistling. They are driving me mad!

I went to the summer house y'day for a fish supper, it was very pleasant but I didn't stay long as I couldn't hear the conversation. One particular resident seems to have voted herself in as Queen of the May and has decided she needs to share her opinions of my dog with me. When she first moved in she complained about Beano barking incessantly, this was on a day when we were visiting friends on their narrow boat and had taken Beano with us. When I explained this she proceeded to approach the neighbours hoping to find someone to back her up, no one would. 

The Queens current topic of complaint is that Beano needs grooming. I am aware of this but I'm also aware that Beano would find this terrifying. He is ok as he is, he would look tidier if he was groomed but I'm not prepared to put him through unnecessary stress just to suit the opinions of the Queen.

As life stands at the moment I would also look better if I was better groomed. It's not something that I'm interested in. I'm clean but a bit dishevelled.

I'm back in the flat.

I'm back after spending a few days with my daughter and the children. 

The littlies are better, the washing mountain is less like a mountain and is now down to a small hill.  The central heating oil was delivered so things are now at the level of ordinary family chaos albeit with six children. Social services are pushing for the next oldest sibling of the littlies to join the family, the annex is being organised so the current oldest fosterchild can move into it as they are 16 and so make room for the newbie to move in.

Apart from sorting the washing and ironing I was also able to babysit when Cass was treated to a spa day. Apart from me cooking pizza, the children mainly sorted themselves out so it was wasn't difficult.

I need to make another appointment with regards to my hearing aids. When I went for my last appointment the assistant wasn't expecting me and claimed I'd misspelled my first name. Surely my surname and address were enough? I waited some time to be seen and didn't see the audiologist. My aids were cleaned and tweaked and I was sent on my way. I was warned that I'd need to wait for the aids to settle, though I never have before. Unfortunately all they do now is whistle and if I stand too close to a wall they shriek very loudly. My daughter said she could hear them and wondered how I could cope with the racket!

Wiped out

 I'm staying at Cass's for a few days, wading through lots and lots of washing. Her two littlies have both been unwell and consequently have reverted to not being toilet trained. Despite being back in nappies leaks are occurring, hence the mountains of washing I'm doing.

We've filled the washing line and all her airers many times, constantly swapping washing machine loads. The dishwasher has just been emptied for the third time today.

The littlies are in the bath being supervised by an older sibling, another one will read them a story. All the children are encouraged to help with the younger ones. I'm posting on here briefly and then I'll start the ironing. She has two older children due to visit soon to see how they settle.

Carnage!

Despite numerous Road Closed warning signs placed on the main road in to the town centre for the last couple of weeks and an equal number paced at strategic points along the road past our flat. The world and his wife have been stunned and amazed by the fact that the road is closed!

It is carnage outside and in the car park as people are forced to turn around. Some drivers have attempted to avoid the closure by approaching from the housing estate across the road from us. This doesn't work as the roads from the housing estate are also closed.

I think the road will reopen tomorrow, much to the relief of all concerned.

Finances Pt 2

I have no need to hide the money from Steve as it is my share of our savings that I requested he transfer to me. No solicitor could chase me for what is mine!

Finances.

I have a bank account that Steve is unaware of, I do all my banking online so there are no bank statements for him to find. I keep a small amount of money in the joint account to cover bills and I keep some cash on me. Everything else goes into my other account.

Love is a choice.

I have in the past been irritated by female friends who have tolerated appalling behaviour from their husband/lover saying they do it because " I love him".

Well I loved Steve and I've been very hurt by his treatment of me. I didn't stay because I loved him, I stayed because I knew he wouldn't cope if left alone. But I have reached th e point where I cannot carry I any more.

He has very determinedly tried to destroy everything I love, he claims my cooking is dreadful as he knows I enjoy cooking. He tried hard to stop me seeing my family, making friends, socialising, crafting, anything in fact that I enjoy.

Of course he is now claiming to be confused and heartbroken because I'm leaving

Here's why.

Obviously this isn't the only problem in our marriage but it's very indicative of Steve's behaviour.

We both suffer from hearing problems, Steve because of many years working on building sites without the required ear defenders. My hearing is poor as I suffered many years of ear infections as a child and I also had a perforated ear drum and had surgery to repair this. As I've aged my hearing has deteriorated further. I've always used lip reading to back up my hearing but unfortunately my eyesight has now deteriorated so I can no longer do this. I pay for private hearing aids as the NHS ones I was provided with were not adequate for my needs.

To ensure Steve can hear me when I speak to him I speak clearly, if he's not looking at me I touch his shoulder to attract his attention. I did ask Steve to ensure I'm looking at him if he wants to talk to me and suggested he tap me on the shoulder. Instead he started to jab my shoulder hard to attract my attention. 

Once Steve realised I was lip reading he started to cover his mouth when he spoke to me. I can no longer see well enough to lip read so Steve no longer covers his mouth, he just speaks really quietly so I have to ask him to repeat himself. This gives him the opportunity to give a long suffering sigh and then repeat himself just as quietly. When he is in the summer house or if we have visitors Steve speaks normally and I can hear what he is saying. So this is obviously just done to make my life difficult.

Moving on.

I have reached the end of my tether and have decided to move out. Being married to a control freak is soul destroying and damned hard work.

Steve is obviously not happy with my decision but as he's always refused to accept that some of his behaviour is unacceptable, that's hardly surprising.

I've told my children and I'm currently looking for somewhere to live, I have various options  which I'm not sharing with Steve. I'm concerned that he would arrive in my doorstep pleading poverty and homelessness.

I sympathise with him to a certain extent but I need a life of my own. One where I can come and go as I please and where I'm not answerable to someone else.

Oh my poor back.

I'm back from helping Cass and I'm completely knackered. I folded a mountain of clean washing so it could be put away and I kept the dishwasher and washing machine going non-stop I also pigged out one of the bedrooms. The older children tidy their own rooms but the littlies are four and six and they are still settling in. 

It was lovely to see how they have improved since they've been with Cass. Both are now toilet trained, fairly reliably, both are now eating proper food and sit at the table to do so.

Chip, chip, chip.

Steve finds it necessary to chip away at anything that gives me pleasure.

He complained so often and so vociferously about my cooking that  I eventually stopped cooking. Since he's been visiting the Dr's regularly, he's been told to improve his diet. So he expects me to start cooking again. But he doesn't like what I cook, it doesn't taste right.

He also destroyed my love of Christmas with his continual complaints. He also doesn't like me making crafts and many other things.

Y'day when he was went to the summer house he made it very obvious that he didn't want me to go. He prefers it if I only go on Wednesday for the quiz, and then only if I win.

This morning two neighbours spoke to me about his behaviour, it seems he held forth at great length about politics. As his views are now extremely right wing he made everyone uncomfortable. My neighbours seem to expect me to do something about his behaviour. 

I have tried ever since he had his stroke to modify his more extreme behaviour, this is no doubt why he prefers me not to go to the summer house.

Changing moods

Steve was in a very good mood, he's been asked to paint some of the outside doors. No payment but it keeps him busy. This means he's far too busy to finish fitting the bathroom and living room floors in the flat. He refused to buy the required underlay and the floor is uneven so there are gaps between the tiles!

Unfortunately I've ruined his mood as my daughter has asked me to visit for a few days. She claims she needs help, I think she's trying to help me find out a way out. She is very capable and I doubt if she needs help but I'll go and stay with her for a few days. 

I've been studying the footpaths near where she lives and there are some nice walks including one along a disused railway line. Beano and I both enjoy walking and I usually improves my mood. My neighbours have commented that whilst I often set off with a face like thunder, I'm usually smiling when I return.

Siebrie

 Siebrie, no  my neighbour didn't get the dates confused 

she muddled me up with a neighbour with the same name 

who died a couple of years ago.

Take a deep breath.

Steve got up this morning in full-on arsehole mode, slamming around in the kitchen, shouting at Beano. Gawd knows what upset him, probably got out of bed the wrong side!

I was planning on going to my daughter's for a few days but cancelled I need to have a blazing row with Steve and get him to behave like a normal person for a few hours and not like a stroppy toddler! 

I went to the summer house for a short time today, Steve followed me over. Within a few minutes Beano wanted to come home, I brought him home and almost immediately Steve returned home, he seems convinced that I'm up to no good. What exactly he thinks I'm doing, I've no idea. I assume he's worried because I'm not allowed to do anything, that I must be doing something.

We've had a strange time with the neighbours today, this morning one of them came round with a birthday card for me. I was out walking Beano and she spoke to Steve. He assured her that my b'day was in November but she argued with him for quite a while. Neither of them can ever admit they are wrong so they were there for quite some time. My b'day is in November but I doubt if my neighbour would have believed me.

Betty returned home today, she's been in hospital with a suspected stroke. I sent her a text to contact me if she needs anything, Otherwise I won't disturb her.

At 10 o'clock this evening another neighbour knocked on the door, she wanted to tell us that she'd left some stuff on Harry's door mat. I've no idea why she thought we needed to know, our front doors are opposite each other but things are often left by our front door. This neighbour had also knocked on Betty's door and disturbed her to check if she was home.

We've had a bit of rain, not much, just a smattering but it has meant that Steve has done no gardening at all today. He's stayed in and complained about the weather all day. Despite staying in he has done nothing to the floors, the bathroom floor is moving about and creaking. The living room floor has white gaps between the grey flooring where it's all moved around. Steve refused to buy and fit the required underlay as he decided it wasn't needed. I'm wondering how bad it's going to get and if it will need replacing soon.

All I can do is grit my teeth and keep buggering on.

Another trip out.

After going out with my neighbour to order her new freezer and yes we did eat out. We went to the carvery where we both had turkey. I've been out again.

Steve and I had a message from a boating friend, she lost her husband recently. She was moored nearby so we went to a local pub. She and I walked our dogs along the towpath for a while and then joined Steve who had waited in the pub. He claimed his knee was too painful to walk on despite the Dr telling him he needs to walk at least a little way every day.I

We had a pleasant meal in the pub, we talked about our friend who died, it was 22 days from diagnosis until he died, so a dreadful shock for his wife.

Trip out.

My neighbour is going to buy a new freezer, she's asked if I'd like to go along as it's a trip out for me.

Of course I said yes, I haven't left site since I got back from Cass's. Steve wasn't best pleased but I don't care about that.

We're going to Currys, don't know if we'll go for lunch but it will be nice just to go out.

Flis

If I got a carrier bag I'd fit it over his head!

Everything has to be in full view, otherwise he forgets he's got it and buys it again

Rambler

If I purchased one of the cubes you suggested Steve would just pile more gibble on top of it.

Bay window.

There is a bay window in the living room with a wooden unit stood in it. I like to keep a couple of decorative candles on it along with a pretty plant and a bowl of pine cones and conkers.

Unfortunately since it is a flat surface it is also covered in an assortment of Steve's gibble. This includes painkillers, a knee support, a fence paintbrush, a jar of spice, two rolls of tape, some hand cream, a neck fan, two electric plugs, a blood pressure monitor and a partridge in a pear tree!

Steve has two tables beside his chair, these are also covered in gibble as it the window sill. Steve prides himself on being tidy, I've no idea why.

Steve has also decided he is no longer prepared to do the lions share of the housework. From now on he is not going to empty the bin and replenish the toilet roll. He is just going to do the toilet rolls. I've just emptied the bin!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig.

I can't say I'm pleased to be home, Steve sulked for the first few hours but I ignored him. There is no point doing anything else.

At some point he recovered from his sulk and started talking, and talking, and talking. I've no idea what about as he mumbled and muttered, covering him mouth with his hands to stop me lipreading.

He seems to have argued with most of the neighbours whilst I was away.

Beano is delighted to be home, I took him out for a walk not long after we arrived back but it started to rain so we rushed home.

This morning he's had a nice long walk and we met Dylan a cockerpoo that Beano particularly likes.

Steve's up already as he has a Drs appointment today, hopefully he'll eat out as I've told him that whilst I'm happy to cook, I'm only prepared to cook proper food not crap. He has to make a decision as to whether he's going to eat it or not.

Best part of my visit!

Earlier today as I walked through the dining room, one of the new little boys put his hand out for a high five. I immediately responded, which made him giggle.

A few moments later he threw himself into my arms for a hug. I was delighted that he felt comfortable enough to do this as he doesn't really know me very well. I assume it's because Cass gives lots of hugs, and he knows I'm Cass's mum I was so touched.

I went for a pub lunch again today, chicken tikka, I really enjoyed it, I also got into conversation with another female pub customer.

All I need now is to win the lottery and then I can move permanently to this village. Unfortunately this is very unlikely as I don't do the lottery!

Best laid plans!

Well I'm at Cass's but so is she and all the kids! Social services decided at the last minute they couldn't find anyone to care for the child who wasn't allowed to travel with Cass. So her trip was cancelled, I'm staying a few days. It gives me a break from Steve which is always a good thing. 

There is a very friendly pub in her village so I've treated myself to lunch a few times. The food is good and the prices are reasonable, the charges will show up on my bank account so no doubt Steve will wonder who I'm with. I'm actually eating with my kindle that way I look less of a Billy no mates. I may go back tomorrow and have a roast dinner, Beano is always happy to snooze under the table when I'm in the pub and I always walk through the park to get to the pub which Beano enjoys.

Counting the hours.

I'm dog sitting for my daughter Cass from Thursday, I can't walk her dog, he's far too strong for me. But she has organised a dog walker so Beano and I will keep Albie company and I will also feed her guinea pigs, she has loads of them. She never needs to mow the grass in the back garden, the piggies keep it short for her.

Steve isn't happy about me going to Cass's, he wants to know exactly what time I'm being collected (just so he can complain that it's inconvenient and demand the time is changed). I don't know what time, I'll get ready the night before. Cass is holidaying with her six children, two of whom have never flown before. She really is very busy and doesn't need to try to accommodate Steve's foibles. She will message me to let me know when she's on her way.

Then Steve decided we needed to order from the supermarket and get it delivered, so I had food to take with me. This was another attempt to find out what time I'm being collected. There is a shop in Cass's village so I won't starve, there is also a dog friendly pub that I can eat lunch in, and a coffee shop if I fancy cake.

Last night Steve decided he felt unwell so he wants to visit the Drs today. I think he's fine, he's just looking for an excuse to stop or delay my visit.

it's going to be hard to return here.

Comments.

Corrine and Sue. Steve wants a meal at 5 o'clock because that means I have to leave the summer house get together. So making sandwiches or something similar wouldn't work. His aim is to stop me socialising.

There are a couple of places of like to visit, clubs and trips out but if I do Steve is unpleasant to Beano. Beano then gets distressed as he doesn't understand what he's done wrong.

I'm not prepared to subject Beano to this, neither am I prepared to put on here my plans to  avoid this continuing.

Keeping busy

Firstly a big thank you and an apology to Cindy, we had a temporary postman one day recently and he posted your card through the door of an unoccupied flat. Your kind card was only discovered when the manager took someone to view the flat and discovered the card. It was passed to me late y'day. Thank you for your kindness.

I had hoped that by giving up alcohol Steve's behaviour might improve but it hasn't. He still wants to control who I'm friends with and who I talk to. Still when I go to the summer house he sits and glares at me, he's decided he needs feeding at 5 o'clock every afternoon. This means I can't socialise for long as his meal needs preparing.

I'm going to my daughter's soon for a week, it will be a nice break, she's going on holiday with her children. I shall be looking after her pets whilst she's away.

I left Beano alone in the flat when my daughter and I went to collect Steve from the hospital, he was beside himself with excitement when Steve and I returned home together. 

I'm still pottering on with the quilt I'm making, I have many hours a day to fill and quilting helps.

Catchup post.

The emergency cord alarm system seems to have been repaired.

Steve has given up all his gardening chores, if he has done so permanently I shall replant the areas nearest the front door with perennials.

The residents are becoming suspicious about Steve's medical appointments, I think they realise that no-one needs two months of thrice weekly injections, MRI scan and cameras down the throat and up the bum for arthritis in the knee.

If I'm asked what ails him, I do an impression of Manuel from Fawlty Towers and say "I know nothing".

Betty's bowling season has finished so I'm hoping to see more of her at the garden get togethers.

Get a grip.

Essie, last time I contacted a Dr about Steve they immediately told him and the shit hit the fan, so I won't be doing that again.

I had a very bad panic attack y'day, it took me ages to get it under control. I was still a bit wobbly when I got up this morning, fortunately when I walked Beano in the park, there was a dog owner I see regularly I was able to have a chat with her. Not about the panic attack, just a general chat about the weather and our dogs etc. I felt better afterwards.

I definitely need social contact, isolation isn't good for me. Unfortunately Steve doesn't like me talking to people so it's a constant battle.

Steve had a bit of a strop when he couldn't get the tv to work, he wanted to watch the Grand Prix. Fortunately he got it working in the end and only missed the first 15 minutes.

Freezer audit

Because of Steve's behaviour with regards food, I stopped cooking meals for him about three years ago.

Now he is unwell he wants me to start providing meals for him again. Actually he doesn't want me too, but as he lied to the Dr about what he eats, he needs me to cook.

We normally order a Tesco shop on a Thursday for delivery on Friday. This week, because he's been told to cut down his alcohol intake, we can't meet the minimum amount needed for a free delivery.

As we have Aldi and Lidl at the top of the road I've suggested I take my wally trolley and go shopping. Once I'd checked the cupboards, fridge and freezer all we need is bread, toilet rolls and I need some fruit. It should be a very cheap week food wise.

The fan

The proverbial has hit the fan, a resident had an accident and despite three people pulling their emergency cord there was no response. Yet another money saving dodge by the housing association.

Steve had two appointments y'day so he was out almost all day. This meant I had a peaceful time of  it, obviously he yelled at me when he arrived home. He was tired and the hospital procedure wasn't without its challenges. Fortunately he went to bed soon after his return home.

He has a Drs appointment this afternoon so another couple of hours peace. Nothing tomorrow but another appointment on Friday. Next week is full of appointments as far as I can see and then the week after he's back to the hospital. 

Steve can't understand my lack of interest and care, he has forgotten how badly he treated me when I was in hospital. 

Arfur job.

Here, the on site the manager has been round asking people to help with the site upkeep. Personally I feel we pay enough towards the upkeep. If I wanted to do that sort of work I've have bought that sort of property. My neighbour, Arfur Job threw himself into the idea with gusto. He's hacked great chunks off the ivy that adorns the outer wall. The resultant mess is all over the path and Arfur has no intention of clearing it up.

Steve's gone to the Drs, he has appointments most days for the next two weeks. He seems to think it's all to do with his painful knee. It isn't but I'm not discussing it with him. 

He recently fell out with two of the neighbours, the two who would have given him lifts to and from the Drs, so he has to catch buses to all his appointments. He has five or six appointments a week for the next two weeks.

80/20

I try to abide by the 80% 20% rule when I eat so I aim for 80% of my food intake to be healthy.

I also eat early, as I age, I find food eaten too late just lays heavy and disrupts my sleep.

Steve has been advised to improve his diet, his current diet is also 80/20. 80% beer, 20% BBQ chicken wings.

He's currently trying to persuade me to start cooking for him every night, as advised by the Dr. I would if he'd eat normal food but his is still insisting on junk food. If I cook it for him it's still going to be junk. I'm an ok cook with real ingredients but frozen chips and instant food defeats me.

Fantasy island.

Steve seems to have given up living in the real world.

He's told the neighbours that the problems with his knee have been on going for the last three years and are the reason he gave up living on the boat.

I don't actually care what twaddle he tells people but unless he warns me I'm just going to look totally confused when faced with tales of this alternative reality.

Obviously he won't admit that he's an alcoholic but I'm sure people must notice the copious amount of alcohol he consumes!

In other news I went out y'day and met up with two ex work colleagues. I caught a bus which Steve doesn't like me doing and not only did I not write my plans on the white board, I didn't tell him I was going out until he got up at 11ish and I then went on the 12:30 bus.

Living with hissing Sid

Steve has started talking to himself but he talks very quietly so all I can hear is a hissing noise.

it makes a change from his constant ranting about what he's read in the paper or what the neighbours are doing.

I'll take it as a win!

The white board

Steve instigated the use of the white board when he realised I was making friends here and going out.

I soon realised that if wrote a forthcoming outing on the board, Steve would find a way of stopping me going or coming along himself. I've stopped writing on the board unless it's a Drs appointment or something similar.

I've recently been contacted by an ex work colleague about a meet up. Once it is arranged I will not be writing it on the white board. I will tell Steve I'm going out about 10 minutes before I leave!

Cindy

Sorry I have lost your email again.

Where i live.

There are six flats here that are empty and five of them are up for sale. The sixth was the managers flat when there was a live in manager. We have one resident in hospital who will possibly not be able to live independently again and one resident is visiting relatives and also may not return.

The external stairs to the upstairs flats are narrow, some have stair lifts fitted which makes it really difficult for people to walk up and down stairs.

I'm wondering what will happen and if the managing company will decide to cut their losses at some point. There must come a time where this site is no longer economically viable. We residents have already been asked to do some of the small jobs around here if we have the skills. I have no skills so I won't be doing any maintenance. Surely that's the idea of moving somewhere like this, you don't have to worry about the maintenance.

Back to reality.

I had a lovely time staying with Cass, I stayed in her annex as Beano finds the youngest two children a bit scary.

I spent my time walking Beano, sewing and reading, I kept out of Cass's way as much as possible as she is very busy. I'm welcome to visit again whenever I wish and Cass has suggested I join a couple of local clubs next time I'm there. I just need to win the lottery and then I can buy a property in her village.

Steve has a Drs appointment on Thursday but he says his knee problems have already been diagnosed. He says it's arthritis and he's been told to give up gardening! I'm assuming the diagnosis has been provided by the x-ray technician!

Taking a break.

I'm staying at my daughter's for a couple of days. She has a little annex that the foster children move into to get them ready to live independently. It's just two rooms and a bathroom, I brought my own kettle so I can make a cuppa.

I've had fun as it needs a bit of a clean and there is stuff that previous foster children have left behind when they moved out. So I've been sorting and cleaning, interspersed with reading my kindle and doing some sewing.

Beano is quite content, he's currently snoozing beside me. I can take him for a walk around the streets or we can go to the park without risking the busy road where I live. It's very quiet here with only a few cars. Beano's a bit confused by the lack of food, just his standard two meals. No endless treats from Steve.

Cass is happy for me to visit again to have a break from Steve and his endless complaining. We went to the local village fete, I bought some smelly candles and lip balm. I'm going home tomorrow, not particularly looking forward to it but the break has done me good.

It's an ill wind!

We've had almost no rain here for a while now so the grass is dry and yellow.

I know it will recover as soon as we have rain.

The good news is that the lack of green grass, that Beano is allergic to, means that Beano's stomach isn't red and inflamed.

Stil here.

It been too hot to do anything, even to post on here. Beano is being walked very early when it's still cool and mid morning when we go to the nearest patch of grass for him.

Apart from that we've just lazed  about doing nothing.

We have a few cooler days coming up which will be better for him. I don't mind the heat  but I do try to keep Beano cool. 

Unfortunately he hates water so I can't put a paddling pool out for him or use a cool coat. I've tried many things and he does have a couple of cool mats to lay on, but he'd rather sleep pressed against my legs.

I have a toerection!

One of my big toes has been red, hot and very stiff.

It happens occasionally and it is only my big toes that are affected and it can be either big toe. It slows me down when walking Beano and is uncomfortable, I don't take painkillers very often by I did over a couple of days, take two ibuprofen and two paracetamol. I assume it's arthritis and I shall just keep buggering on.

Steve has managed to mess up the TV, he can't tune it in to the channel he wants. He phoned his friend Bob so many times that Bob has agreed to come over to sort it out. I am extremely grateful as I'm sick to death of Steve's constant stropping around.

Sewing again.

I've purchased some quilt wedding and started making a lap quilt. I'm using long strips of fabric and hand sewing them onto the wadding. The fabric I'm using is dress fabric, from a couple of my dresses that had developed rips.

It is most definitely not the proper way to quilt but I don't care, it keeps me busy. I'll potter along with it over the next few weeks.

It's a distraction from Steve's endless ranting and swearing, what with his bad knee, the neighbours who are getting on his nerves, his bad shoulder, the TV not tuning in correctly and the rest of the world not doing as he thinks they should. His complaints are endless.

Part of the problem with me sewing is that he knows there is a craft group here. If I join he will have to spend time getting it closed down, and he'd much rather spend time drinking himself into a stupor!

Rant over, I shall return to my sewing.

Feed the birds

A few of my neighbours feed the birds, one neighbour has a pear tree across from her window. She keeps this tree laden with bird feeders. 

Most recently  I've seen a Jay and now a pair of green parakeets. My son lives in Ealing and his garden is often full of these parakeets.

Someone on site keeps complaining about the birds being fed, they want it stopped, but everyone carries on.

Steve's been to the Drs about his knee and this morning went for an x-ray, he was annoyed that the x-ray tech couldn't give him a diagnosis. There are signs up explaining that the techs can't comment on the x-rays but a lot of people ask anyway.

He has to go for a blood test in a couple of weeks, it will probably be 100% proof!

Books, books and more books.

I've read the Elly Griffiths, Ruth Galloway books, all bar the latest one and I've read one  of her Harbinder Kaur series.

I've bought and just started to read the first William Monk book by Anne Parry. 

I will gradually work my way through your other suggestions.

I can't see well enough to read real books so I depend on my kindle and enlarge the font.

I am a voracious reader and always have been, I had to serve a detention when I was in school as I was caught reading the Carpetbaggers by Harold Robbins. I was about 13 years old, the school phoned my mother to complain but as it was her book I had borrowed I don't think she was bothered. 

When my children were small and before my eyesight started to deteriorate, I read in the the bath and when washing up I always had a book resting against the taps.

Now I have very little to do apart from walking Beano and some housework, Steve tries to restrict my socialising so I read for hours, I read as many freebie books as I can, otherwise all my pension would be spent on books.

I am relatively indiscriminate about the sort of books I read, I enjoy sci-fi, murder mysteries, thrillers etc. I do not read romances, I have never really enjoyed them.

I have an online friend called Lyssa Medana who writes about vampires and golems, I love her books. I've read all of Sir Terry Pratchetts books despite one of my neighbours telling me that Sir Terry didn't write for people like me!!

BBQ in the garden.

Steve's in the garden, manning the BBQ, I did go over but the only seats left were in  the sun and it's 30 degrees. It's far too hot for Beano so we've come home again.

I shall take Beano out again about 10 o'clock, hopefully it will be cooler then.

I've read all the Midsomer Murders books I bought for my kindle and a Marlow Murder book. I need to find some more to read.

It would be easier if I could sit glued to the TV but that's not an option. More than an hour and I'm going cross eyed.

I bought myself some new bras, a pack of three, unfortunately one of them was a size 34. I've given it to a neighbour who will take it to a charity shop. It's unworn, as it is a pull on design it went no further than my elbows.

Yes I know I should have returned it but the thought of trying to catch two buses to the nearest Post Office and then two buses home put me off. I really miss driving.

And repeat.

We are meeting Steve's friend Bob for lunch today he's bringing his wife so I'm included in the invitation.

But firstly the supermarket delivery is due today and we've been advised that it could be 30 minutes late.

So Steve is having a full blown panic attack, I've offered to stay home and take the delivery in if we are still waiting when we should be leaving. 

We aren't due at the pub until 1 o'clock and the delivery is due at 11:30. I can't see a problem but Steve does and is panicking accordingly.

Lunch out.

Today is our 24th wedding anniversary so we went out for lunch. It wasn't an unmitigated success though all went well until it was time for dessert.

I'm not sure why Steve decided we needed to go out usually if we celebrate it's with a takeaway, still I'm not one to turn down a meal out.

We went to a nearby pub, we were given a lift there and back which was good as it been very hot here.

We ate in the garden as there was a nice breeze, I'd taken Beano's water bottle and his cool mat for him to lay on so he was comfortable.

Steve had three courses, mushrooms as a starter, chicken skewer with chips for his main course and ice cream.

I only had a main course, a chicken skewer with hummus and flatbread. Between the main course and the ice cream I took Beano for a wander around the garden as he's been so good sat on his cool mat.

When we got back to the table Steve has ordered ice cream to share, there was a choice of vanilla, strawberry, chocolate or a sorbet. Steve had ordered four scoops of chocolate ice cream, whilst this was a kind thought, I don't like chocolate ice cream but I ate some to avoid the lurking strop. It's the same when he makes coffee in the morning, he never puts sugar in mine as he's convinced I don't take sugar. I only like half a spoonful as does Steve so why he cannot remember this after 24 years I do not know.

I was glad to get home as Steve's mood was deteriorating, we got home in time for me to go across to the summer house for a while. Steve stomped around in the garden, knocking back the lager until he cheered up.

I can't

 Swim, ride a bike or dance.

My mother suffered with her nerves, she visited the Dr who suggested she get pregnant. This seems to have been a common suggestion in the 1950's

My mother complied but unfortunately once I was born she realised this was not the panacea she had hoped for. So she got a job and I went to a childminder. I don't remember the child minder but I do remember going to work with my mother on a regular basis.

I'm not sure that having me was the hoped for cure-all and she continued to suffer. For this reason I was not allowed to learn swim. Mother reasoned that if learned to swim I'd go into water and drown. I was not allowed to ride a bike either, because if I learned to ride of go out with other children and get run over.

The only children I was allowed to mix with were a brother and sister who lived a few doors away. This wasn't an ideal situation as I was regularly sexually assaulted by the father of these children!

As for dancing, I have two left feet and can no more dance than I can fly.

I do have some skills, I can cook, with or without a recipe, I can sew, knit and crochet but not very well now as I can't see properly.

Hayfever.

JacquieB, I bought my trolley when we were living on the boat, it's strong and sturdy and has three wheels either side. This meant it was very good at managing lumpy, bumpy tow paths. 

My hayfever is bad this year, I'm not sure if it's me or if it's a bad year for it. I'm sniffing and snuffling, wheezing and sneezing and I'm driving Steve mad because it's made my deafness worse which means he's having to repeat himself. I shall be glad when I recover.

Too hot for Beano.

Beano doesn't like the hot weather, it makes him itch so I try to walk him early in the morning when it's cooler.

On Friday's I try to walk him before Steve gets up , this way we avoid the pacing and panicking that Steve does whilst awaiting the supermarket delivery.

I've never had a delivery that hasn't turned up and only once has a delivery been really late. The supermarket let us know and it wasn't a problem as we weren't going anywhere.

When we were living on the boat I was approached by a delivery driver as I was walking Beano. He was parked on the canal bridge and could see the boats moored below but didn't know how to access them. As the delivery was for us I was able to show him where we were moored.

If I was shopping for myself wouldn't use a delivery service, we have two supermarkets at the top of the road and I have a wally trolly so I'd shop there. But Steve orders six trays of Fosters every week which is too much to carry.

Questions.

To answer a few questions.

Steve doesn't seem to remember that we were ever happy, he seems to believe his life has been one of constant misery. He says was happy living on the boat but I made him leave and move to the flat. He couldn't manage anything apart from steering. The heavy work, the locks etc were left to me, this was manageable with the smaller boat when only one pair of gates needed opening. But Steve wanted a bigger boat, a wide beam, this meant we couldn't share the locks with another boat. It was a while before I realised he was using the boat as a way of ensuring I didn't talk to people. With a narrow bean you can get two boats in a lock together. With a wide beam this is rarely possible.

When Steve is asked by a Dr or nurse about his drinking habits he lies and claims to only drink occasionally. If I contradict him he gets stroppy and claims I'm lying.

I am now past caring, I try to maintain some quality of life for myself. This usually revolves around dog walking, anything else and Steve tries to stop me doing it. I have plans for if Beano dies before me as I know Steve will use it as an excuse to stop me leaving site. My neighbour Betty takes me out sometimes, Steve has shouted at her but she stands up to him. Other neighbours are reluctant to place themselves in the line of fire, and who can blame them.

Aches and pains.

Steve has been taking Nurofen plus painkillers for a painful knee for a couple of months. Actually he takes painkillers most of the time though the reasons vary. 

As I said it's his knee that is currently bothering him, he thinks it's swollen but I can't see any swelling. He does limp when he walks. There again he has carrying far too much weight so his knees may well be painful. He believes he gets plenty of exercise because he potters in the garden but our trip to the nearby charity shop proved him wrong. He really struggled to get there and caught the bus back.

This evening he's been clutching his wrist, it seems that it's painful. He will start wearing his wrist brace and continue to take the painkillers I'm sure, I have tried to persuade him to cut down but he won't. I know they aren't good for him but he will continue to take them. He's not 70 yet but he has a very poor diet and drinks far too much. The extra strong painkillers don't help.

At a stroke.

Ellen's asked if Steve was kinder before he had his stroke, yes he was was a loving and lovely  husband. We had some very happy years but when Steve had his stoke, that  was it, all happiness was at an end.

He came round after a few days, confused as to who the old woman sat by his bed could be.

He was convinced he was in his thirties so obviously I couldn't be his wife, could I?

I spent hours sitting beside his hospital bed, worrying about him.

Eventually he left hospital and returned to live on the boat, the marina manager was very kind. Assuring us that we could stay in the marina until Steve recovered. 

He never really has. He is not the man I married, he is no longer a loving husband. It's been about eight years now.

Please note any comments about how Steve's behaviour is not being caused by his stroke will be deleted. I'm tired of hearing rubbish from people who have no experience in the this matter.

Saturday

This morning I had intended to drop a couple of dresses off at a local charity shop, they are brand new but both are a size 18, much too big for me so I'll never wear them. I have a bad habit of buying clothes that are far too big, this is fuelled by Steve's constant complaints about how massively fat I am. I have finally realised that Steve's complaints are caused by his own inadequacies, he wears 3XL clothes, he is about 5' 6. I'm not claiming to be skinny, I'm a size 12/14 but usually wear a 14/16 for comfort. 

Steve insisted on coming with me to drop off the dresses, he first suggested that I might get lost and when I explained that I knew the way he said the area I was going to could be dangerous. It's hardly Beirut but he came along anyway. I managed to persuade him to walk there but he insisted on catching the bus home as his leg was painful!

I realised that I'd managed 6000 steps and was very pleased, it's what I aim for but rarely manage. I usually only get to 5500.

Friday.

Friday was a lovely day, once the supermarket delivery had been put away and Steve had gone to meet up with his friend.

Beano had a couple of walks and I bumped into a dog walking friend and had a chat.

 I received a delivery from Ronnie at Witchcrafter Hippie Shed. This included the small  bag made from sari fabric I'd ordered along with a necklace and a pack of Dragons Blood joss sticks. The joss sticks reminded me of my friend Lyssa Medana as she mentions Dragons Blood in some of her books. I ordered the bag to carry my phone in when I walk Beano and I'm not wearing a jacket.

I went to the summer house in the afternoon and chatted to some of my neighbours. I also had a piece of birthday cake as it was a neighbours birthday.

Steve messaged me to tell me the train he'd planned to catch had been cancelled and that he'd be later home than he expected. He was very tired and grumpy by the time he got home. 

Watching.

I enjoy watching videos of people trying on new clothes especially older ladies  and larger ladies.

I know it's weird as I have very little interest in wearing nice clothes, I just like seeing other people in them.

I'm not wearing my summer dresses yet, it's still too cold here, I have however started wearing my thinner leggings and t-shirts, topped with a cardigan.

I reused one of my dresses as there were holes in the skirt, but that still leaves me with enough. They are all the same, they have an elasticated top and the skirts are almost ankle length. They are not meant to be long but I'm very short.

Scars.

My first mother in law's arms were always marked with burns. She claimed they were proof that she was excellent cook! I think it was proof that she was clumsy.

This morning I burned my arm using the air fryer, I was cooking some chicken pieces for myself. I usually use the oven but today I used the air fryer as I'd just spent some time scrubbing it clean. It didn't need cleaning again when I'd  as the chicken was wrapped in greaseproof  paper!

I'm very dizzy today and very bunged up in the ear department, Nemmind this too will pass.

Wednesday.

Lyssa, brilliant comment, absolutely brilliant.

Dog lover, the Midsomer Murders books are much better than the tv series, much more detailed and a bit darker, although not gory.

Yesterday after deciding leave the floor alone, Steve went into town to have breakfast. He is going out again on Friday with his friend Bob, so I get two peaceful days this week. He did come rushing in when he returned home to check if I'd gone to the summer house but he found me asleep on the sofa as I'd had a very disturbed night. Beano had been restless and wandering about so I went into the living room with him.

The weather is very changeable here, sunny one minute and overcast the next. I still have more books to read so I'm happy.

Monday

Today Beano has had two a walks, one to the park and one round the streets. We didn't see any dogs for Beano to play with but he still has a nice run about. I shall take him out again soon, as he's not allowed in the communal garden he has to be walked off site.

Steve has taken part of the flooring up yet again and replaced it once more! I'm so glad we live on the ground floor, if we lived above other people they'd be fit to murder Steve by now. I'm burying my head in my kindle and reading another Midsomer Murders book.

Moving to Causton

Causton, for those of you who don't know is a fictional town where the TV series  Midsomer Murders is set.

Being thoroughly hacked off with Steve constantly removing and refitting the new flooring. I treated myself to the first six books in the Midsomer Murders series by Caroline Graham. If I hadn't, I think there would have been a murder committed here. I ordered them for my kindle so there were no suspicious parcels to alert Steve to my spending spree.

He doesn't often comment on my purchases now and if he does I immediately remind him of how much he spends on beer every week. I spend money on books, I can't see well enough to read real books so I read on my kindle. I also take it in turns to pay when I go out with Betty and have lunch. 

Betty and I hadn't been out for a few weeks, Betty is busy with her bowls and last time she offered was when I was going to the circus. We went to a nearby supermarket and even though I'd had a supermarket delivery that morning I still found a few things to buy. We then had fish and chips in the supermarket cafe, it was very nice, hot and freshly cooked.

Thank you Cindy

 Just  a thank you to Cindy for her very kind and generous gift. 

I seem to have deleted your email address so thought this was the best way to let you know your beautiful and uplifting card and gift has arrived.

Thank you again for you kindness.

Shopping

The supermarket delivery is due today so Steve will be up and pacing imminently.

As soon as Steve starts to pace Beano wants to go out again, probably because he can't cope with Steve pacing and panicking. Steve prefers me to stay home until the shopping has been delivered but as I usually only order a few items I don't feel this is necessary.

This is all part of Steve's need to BE IN CONTROL! It's exhausting. 

I'm hoping to visit Cass again soon, Steve sulked after I went last time which gave me a few days peace.

All clear

Beano visited the vet again this morning, he has the all clear on his paws and also was given his yearly inoculation. I knew it was due as I'd received a reminder.

We had a long wait at the surgery as one vet was out sick and Beano got quite stressed, but eventually it was all done and we returned home. Beano has slept since we returned.

Steve huffed and puffed about the cost when I said Beano as needed his yearly jab. He then went out with Harry shortly after, yet another trip to Screwfix and breakfast afterwards.

Steve had ordered the supermarket shop whilst I was out, I added the things I wanted when I got home. I didn't need much, I ordered some more wraps as I prefer them to sliced bread, I also ordered some fruit and salad stuff, there is still plenty of chicken and fish in the freezer.

Trip to the vet.

Thursday last week Beano started chewing his paw, I couldn't see a problem but he was still doing it at the weekend so 9:30 this morning my neighbour and i I took him to the vet. We were asked to return at midday so we did.

Unfortunately there was a problem with the patient before Beano so it was 1 o'clock before he was seen. We finally got home just after 2 o'clock. I'm £144 lighter but I expected it to be worse.

Beano is snoozing on the sofa, I'm wiped out so I will also have a snooze.

We have to return on Thursday to have Beano checked over, My neighbour will drive us again.

Walking and breathing.

When I walked Beano this morning I did my breathing exercises, that way I feel calmer by the time I return home. I didn't meet any other dog walkers as I slept in and it was past 8 o'clock when I left site.

I did see a red London bus though, I'm assuming it was a private hire, it was an old Routemaster I think. 

I looked at the gardens as I walked, some are a sea of dandelions, which I love but no doubt annoys their neighbours. Others are immaculate, one puts out a bowl of water for passing dogs but Beano won't drink from it. Puddles and canal water, yes but not clean drinking water.

I went to the circus!

Yesterday Cass picked me up and we went to the circus, there were 10 of us. This included her two newest foster children aged 4 & 6 neither of whom are toilet trained and both are skinny and small for their age.

The 6 year old could only cope with the first half of the circus so Cass stayed outside, the other children went back in and I sat next to the 4 year old who bounced and clapped non-stop. Then screamed all the way home " I wanna go back! " Cass has promised another visit soon.

Who's a genius?

Not me, that's for sure but unfortunately since his stroke Steve is convinced he's brighter than most. He has purchased stuff for the flat without consulting me and then not got what he thought he'd ordered! This obviously ends up being all my fault.

Beano on the other hand is very bright, he runs rings round Steve and Steve doesn't realise.

If Beano wants a chicken treat and neither Steve or I will give him one, he asks to go outside for a wee. When he gets back Steve immediately gives him a treat on his return.

More floor.

Oh Flis, I do feel for you.

The floor is partly down, Bob arrived after lunch and helped, he would have stayed longer but Steve wanted to go to the summer house. So now we have the bathroom and the bedroom without finished flooring.

I'm hoping to go out on Friday with my daughter and her children, I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't left site apart from walking Beano for almost two weeks now.

You do you

I'll do me!

Like Sooze, I use my blog to vent, yes people can comment as they choose and I can choose to ignore their comments.

I particularly like the 'I'm a medical professional and Steve's behaviour isn't caused by his stroke'. I've met many stroke survivors and some of them behave exactly the way Steve does!

Still here, still buggering on.

I'm still trying to visit the summer house most days to see my neighbours, Steve is still following me over after a few minutes and sits glowering at me until I leave.

I've just walked Beano in the park, on Saturday's the park is full of dogs, Beano doesn't approve so we walk around the edges. The path to the park is very narrow so when we met a chap with a push chair, a bulldog and a very wet spaniel I stood between them and Beano and he watched them in silence fortunately!

Steve is about to remove the bathroom flooring yet again, it seems to be his latest hobby and is driving me mad. I'm at an age where I like to keep hydrated which means regular loo breaks. This is not permitted as walking on the floor is forbidden!

What with an antisocial dog and a difficult husband my life is not always full of joy. Therefore on dog walks that do not involve the park I find joy looking at the gardens I pass.

In the news.

I returned home from Beano's first walk this morning to find Steve in a rage. He started shouting and swearing as soon as I walked through the front door. I don't take a lot of notice, it doesn't take much to enrage Steve. This time it was an article in the daily wail about a criminal who could not be deported. Whilst I agree that foreign criminals probably should deported, I don't think the daily wail is necessarily to be believed. I also really resent being shouted and sworn at as though it was my personal decision!

Today, I read this:-

My silence doesn't mean I agree with you, it means I've been rendered speechless by your stupidity!

I have to say it was so appropriate it made me smile, I really need all the smiles I can get today.

New flooring.

The carpet in the flat is beyond disgusting, It's cream and pretty ancient. There is a black edge all around it from where it's been cleaned but the dirt has been pushed to the edges.

I suggested getting it replaced with a hard floor, much more practical with a dog.

I have some savings and would be happy to contribute towards the cost.

On his way back from his audiologist appointment Steve went to look at flooring. He arrived home and announced he's chosen the stuff we need. He wants a very dark brown vinyl not what I'd choose but it will be better than our current flooring.

When we were first together Steve was happy for me to make suggestions but now he makes all the decisions with regards to the decorating and flooring.

Oh well, it will be easier to keep clean.

Catch up.

 Flis, I'm lucky mine doesn't get up until after 10 a.m. and is often back in bed by 9 p.m.

Nelliegrace, my daughter usually keeps her foster children until they are ready to leave care. They are the ones who's parents don't want them adopted but can't look after them.

We have a get together planned here, I've donated four bottles of Prosecco, I used to like it but can no longer drink it. I will spend a few minutes socialising but not too long as I find it exhausting, struggling to follow a conversation.

A big shop!

A flying visit from Cass again. Social Services phoned her this morning. They need an emergency placement for a small boy.

Cass arrived here, we went to Lidl, ran round like loonies, she spent £400 on lots of different food, hopefully there will be stuff he likes.

Tomorrow she will take him clothes shopping that way he can choose the clothes he likes.

She has no idea how long he will stay with her for.

Someone commented that Steve is probably unhappy and should be on tranquilizers, he already is!

Bunw, Steve has had many brain scans since his stroke.

Two tins of sardines.

That's all it took to induce rage in Steve!

We placed our Tesco order this morning as we do every week. If it was up to me, I'd walk up to Aldi/Lidl at the top of the road! But then I don't buy six trays of Fosters lager every week.

I like to purchase different items occasionally, this confuses Steve. He has a very restrictive diet so buys the same things every week. He feels this is the correct way to shop, not choosing random items that catch my eye as I shop. Last time I shopped with Betty I bought a large mango and a punnet of raspberries. Both were eaten and greatly enjoyed, Steve doesn't approve. Today I've ordered two tins of sardines, they will be eaten mashed on toast or in a salad bowl.

I think Steve is always on the verge of rage, as soon as he's awake he reads the news online and instantly becomes enraged. My answer would be to not read the news, most of it doesn't affect Steve, especially the news from America, and if it does affect him/us, here is bugger all we can do about it.

All we can do is plod on, I keep a stock of basic food in along with batteries and other useful items, I can do no more and worrying won't help.