I miss my husband too.
I miss the way you used to sit beside me on the sofa, now you sit at the breakfast bar on a bar stool.
I miss the way we used to make each other laugh.
I miss you kissing me hello and goodbye.
I miss you copping a feel every time you walk past me.
I miss the way you used to read things out loud that made you laugh.
I miss just being able to have a conversation with you, every conversation now turns into a row as you find everything so confusing.
I miss you giving me a hug.
I miss sex, all you want now is a 68.
I miss your godawful jokes that you'd told me a hundred times before and I still laughed.
I miss you nudging me to point out a pair of sexy shoes, you always had a thing for stilettoes.
I miss the way you trusted me with money and never questioned what I'd spent it on. Now you question every Amazon purchase and get annoyed when I can't remember, even though the reason I can't remember is because it's something you have bought.
I miss the way you were never suspicious if there was a number you didn't recognise in my phone. It broke my heart today when you found that postcode written on a scrap of paper and started to interrogate me about it, you didn't recognise it even though it was the post code for your best friends new address.
I miss the way you used to hug me if I cried. I've never been much of a crier but now you shout at me and ask what I've got to cry about as you are the one who had a stroke. I've only cried twice since October.
I even miss the way you used to hump me if I was bent over.
Most of all I miss the way you used to love me.
Thank you for all your comments, if I do stop blogging, it won't be because of some nasty comments on my blog.
Cumbrian, I assume making nasty comments is the trolls idea of fun
It could be someone from my past but I'm sure there is more than one troll commenting .
Wanda, that's funny.
I am irritated by the comments but not seriously bothered, if I was I'd block all anonymous comments, but lots of anonymous commenters are nice people with nice things to say.
I'm also of the opinion that whilst the trolls are entertaining themselves on my blog they are leaving some other poor bugger alone.
My life has been full of ups and downs and still is, I'm dealing with other family matters that I cannot post about as well as dealing with the fall out from Steve's stroke. Over the years I've dealt with shit that would make you hair curl. I will survive!
31 comments:
Of course you will. Wishing for a magic wand. Hang in in there. We all love you.
Of course you do my dear. We all do, those of us who have been widowed or bereaved (and yours is a mind of bereavement as the man you love seems to have gone). but soldier on, knowing that the real man you love is in there somewhere and needs you. And ignore the trolls - keep blogging for the comfort it gives you. x
Life is shit. I know exactly how you feel -the stuffings gone out of them. -and us. The lack of confidence is heart breaking. Everything is so much “easier said than done”. The only thing I found to help was for my partner to get back to work, and it’s just luck he is the boss so can go in and be social without doing too much. After everything suggested, that’s the only thing that’s helped. And that’s no help to you. Just hang in there and try to keep yourself sane and your chin up xx
I wish I lived closer than the other side of the Atlantic...I would give you a hug and take you out for a cup of tea. Please keep soldiering on, none of us know what the future will bring to us. We care enough about you to keep on checking in on your blog!
Dear Hester - sending you some virtual hugs xx (Deb - Brisbane)
Hugs from New Zealand. I sympathise as that perfectly describes my late husband who had Lewy Body Dementia. I do hope things improve for you.
Your blog is lovely because it's honest. Don't stop or change what you're doing, it's perfect as is. I wish things were easier for you, it sounds like you have a real burden most days.
Please don't stop Hester, as I feel you are helping so many others going through similar shit. I also think it's helping you get stuff off your chest. I wish we could have a drink together, mines a vodka tonic. X
Hugs xx
As someone who has never said anything before, you are a marvellous person and I admire you for how you face adversity. I would think that trolls make up about 10% of the population and the internet has given them a platform for their cowardly attacks. Sod them and keep writing you have the other 90% on your side. X
I find your blog interesting especially because of the mental changes the stroke has caused. I had no idea things could change that much as it is easy to think only about the physical side. Thanks for explaining that and thanks in general, you make me laugh out loud on occasions.
just sat and cried , it hit home a little to hard today . Not a thing we can do about any of it is there
Oh Hester, you made my heart hurt with that one, all I can offer is a virtual hug my friend. Lainey x
I'm very sorry that there are people out there who make spiteful comments. I don't feel sorry for them
I find your blog a joy because it seems so honest. I like your blog because you often make me laugh. I like your blog because it is so informative.
My friend's husband has had a stroke and is going through similar days to yours. Probably the most frustrating thing for her is that he was getting better because he was doing the exercises prescribed for him and has now given them up as he couldn't see the improvements himself.
Please don't stop your blog. You are going through a second tough time. I read your
Blog daily, and feel for you.
Hugs x
Please don't stop blogging - we agree with all the lovely comments. Wendy (Wales)
I feel your pain. My lovely Dad turned into a toddler due to Dementia, and in his last year it was like an alien thing had taken over his body, and he had gone already. Nothing can prepare you for it. Don't feel guilty about anything you are feeling, and the 'gallows humour'. You would go mad without it. Anyone who disagrees obviously has had a life free of such bad luck... ( and F them! )
That piece of writing will have done more to help people than any advice given out to post stroke carers. Thank you for your honesty and lack of fear in saying how life can be. Catriona
Oh Hester that has made me cry. I did think about you the other day when I was in Newbury, especially more so when I glimpsed a boat that looked similar to yours but I was driving over a bridge so couldn't really see and am sure it wasn't you! Helena x (helebore)
I have BUCKETLOADS OF ADMIRATION for you in how you are handling the curve-balls and difficulties that life is throwing you - and retaining that all-important sense of humour. As others have said - the honesty is humbling. You do not seek sympathy nor whine constantly about how unfair life is like some other bloggers - you get on and do. If, in the same situation as you find yourself, I could summon up just a smidgen of your fortitude and courage I would be a content bunny.Thank you for being you. Debs.
My husband passed a year ago and I miss all that too....but I know it must be worse for you as he is still "there". Bless your heart.
I don't comment often but I read your blog fairly regularly. I can only hope you feel all the virtual hugs coming your way. I will keep you and hubby in my prayers. Please take care.
Hester. I read your blog every day , you tell it like it is. honest and to the point. Please continue putting your thoughts down, getting them out there probably makes you feel a wee bit better, getting them off your chest. Your life must be so heavy at times I can't imagine, Know that us who follow you have you in our thoughts. Take care of yourself. You wrote one of the lines where your husband used to hump you if you bent over. Made me laugh, mine did the same dam thing and I used to tell him he was sex crazed, he's been gone for 30 yrs (he was young)and it made me wish I could tell him one more time he was sex crazed. Thank you for being honest. I have found wine helps on those awful days. Barb (Canada)
Hugs from me too. It so heartbreaking and you are so strong.
I wish there was something that could be done to get things back to the way they were for you. I wish there was hope that it's only temporary. I had no idea, until I read your blog entry a few weeks ago, that a personality change following a stroke was a common occurrence. I was so moved by your entry today.
Your post today made me cry, because it brought it home to me how very much a person can change through having a stroke. They really do become a different person, don't they? Like others have said, I wish I could come and take you out for lunch or a coffee, just some little treat to make your day a bit cheerier. But as I can't do it for you (I live in Cornwall) I intend to do the same thing for someone local. Virtual hugs for you, dear lady with the hope that things will improve for you and your man.
Hang in there, Hester. You know you have true friends here and elsewhere. Keep ranting away, unload that stress so it doesn't destroy you. Nargleblast.
Hi Hester I have been reading your blog for years but rarely comment. It usually makes me laugh but I don’t put much online as I don’t do social media stuff but today you brought a lump to my throat as I understand your frustration and I am glad you shared it. I work with people with various long term disabilities and illnesses to get them back into work and I can tell you that there is life after a stroke for most even older people. I am sorry that the stroke and other support around your area isn’t good enough. I hope you and Steve manage to whether the storm that this period of life is throwing at you. Take time out when you can to do things you love too as your emotional needs are very important at this stage. Steve is frustrated at life not treating him fairly or even not being able to get out what he wants to say but he does love and hopefully in time he will improve and be the man you married again. Take care. Sally x
Oh Sue...
My heart broke just a little bit for you when I read this, but I know you are the strongest of women and will carry on doing what you do to keep both your lives chugging along.
I truly love the pure unadulterated honesty of your blogs and I'm so glad that you have it as an outlet for your frustrations....those that don't like it can jog on!
Hugs, Caroline x
I can relate to all of your comments about what you missed since your husband has his stroke. My husband has, now, been in a personal care home for about 15 months and he is slowly slipping away from me even more. It breaks my heart some days.
Myra, from Winnipeg, Canada
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